A girl sexually assaulted me in middle school.

I went to a party at a friend’s house (I had never been to his house before, we were just friends from college) and a bunch of people are in his hot tub. It was dark out. I decided to get in, and assumed the deck his hot tub was sitting on continued on behind the hot tub. It did not, and there was a roughly 6 foot drop on the back side. I walk over to get in, step off the deck accidentally, do a complete front flip and land on my feet. They all yell “Are you ok?” and then I get back on the deck completely unscathed.

No one that wasn’t there ever believes this story.

“Alien sighting”

Was watching a plane go along the night sky, blinking away as they do. Then it stopped moving but kept blinking for about 5 seconds. Then shot straight down to the horizon leaving a little trail of light behind like a comet or something.

Some star wars hyperspace bollocks or something

When I was a senior in high school, we were having a “fun” senior assembly where we were watching people play a family feud style of game. The category was popular dog names or something, and my friend next to me and someone else in the row before us both yell out “onomatopoeia!” at the exact same time.

When I was around 6-7 years old (I am now 68) I was given money to get something at the store by my parents. All I remember is I no longer had the money when I got home . I did not spend the money. Have no idea what happened. Was razzed about it for years. They said I spent it on candy.

Neo-nazis kicked down my front door when I was around 19-20.

The underage sister of a friend was being trafficked by them and managed to escape. They came looking. Lucky for us, they showed up expecting, at most, a couple emo kids, but we just happened have a few guys over that were training for mma that night, which means they got the ever-living-fuck beat out of them and never came looking again. One of the mma guys punched a tooth out of one of their heads, got it gold plated and keeps it on a necklace now lol

I woke up one morning and found a skinned moose in my yard.

I got a moose one hunting season and decided to butcher it myself. Finished skinning the thing (took hours) and it just disappeared, no clue where it ended up.

I almost ran over a moose with a ship

I once waited in line at a costume shop while two guys argued about whether getting hit by a ship voided the “no fault” deposit warranty on a moose costume.

I was the victim of a drive-by ketchupping.

I’m not sure who believes and who doesn’t, but I’ve been in more than 30 car collisions. I’m not sure exactly how many because I’ve lost track.

One was an offset head-on collision. I think the other driver fell asleep. He claimed I came into his lane and hit him, but the impact shattered the windshield washer fluid in my car, and destroyed the front-right tire. The impact left a puddle of fluid in the middle of my lane, and the rim of the front right wheel left grooves in the street leading from where my car stopped back to the point of impact.

I was sideswiped three times. All three were hit and runs. One of them was caught on my dash cam and I got my deductible back. The other two got away.

All the rest were rear-end collisions. It happened so many times that I started to think I must be doing something wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what. Around that time I happened to look in the rear view mirror just before the impact to see the driver looking down at something on the passenger seat beside him.

Since then, I’ve understandably become very aware of what the drivers behind me are doing.

The last two times:

In late 2021 I was approaching an intersection and had a green light, but on the other side of the intersection was a school bus letting out kids. I stopped, and the jeep behind me hit me at full speed. My truck was totaled. I was knocked very briefly unconscious, but I was able to control the truck as I was pushed through the intersection and stopped.

Ironically, I had been thinking about trading in my truck for a new model. That day, on the drive home before the collision, I decided I wanted to keep it.

At the time, getting a replacement took months. I was getting to and from work driving the Civic that we bought for the kids to use. Two months after the truck was totaled I was in slow, stop-and-go traffic. Every time I had to stop, the car behind me would pull all the way up to within inches of my bumper. I wanted to scream at him. Of course, the person behind him hit him, and pushed him into me.

Luckily, that time it was slow, low speed impact. Easy damage to fix.

For the love of all that’s holy, follow at a safe distance! Three seconds minimum between you and the car in front of you. And when you stop, stop far enough back to see where the tires on the car in front of you touch the street.

If you want to slipstream (aka, drafting), become a race car driver.

Went to an orgy and didn’t have sex with anyone, on purpose. I did, however, play naked baby oil handcuff twister. Which was hilarious and painful.

When I was 10, I went on a trip to Venezuela. At this restaurant in Caracas, I went into the bathroom. It was a single person bathroom. For some reason the door had slide locks on both sides. While I was in there, some kid locked the door from the outside (I could see through a narrow gap). It was a real door, not a stall door. I couldn’t unlock it. I started panicking a little and kicking the door. Eventually a waiter let me out.

I’m still confused about why that door could be locked on the outside.

Serious trigger warning