“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
Keep it simple! Andrew Carnegie wrote the only book you need, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Terrible title in today’s context, that’s not really what it’s about.
Carnegie set out to find a solid book on human communication. Traveled all over the US, meeting and writing university professors, was astonished that such a thing didn’t exist, so he wrote it.
Interestingly, you can pick it up and read any chapter. Nothing need be in order, it’s not a study course, very easy to digest. Most of it is simply Carnegie telling stories.
There was one that’s always stuck with me: He goes to dinner at a man’s house and the guy won’t shut the fuck up, talks on and on and on. Carnegie shut up, listened, made it clear he was listening, hardly spoke a word. On the way out the man was congratulating Carnegie on what a fine conversationalist he is!
Public domain, totally free, give it a spin. I need to brush up on it myself.
I’ve heard of Supercommunicators! Haven’t read it yet, but I really love that these kinds of books exist because they reinforce something I genuinely believe: communication isn’t a personality type, it’s a skill.
Some people come by it naturally, and others learn it deliberately. Both paths lead to meaningful connection.
And small talk fits right into that. Even if it feels awkward or draining at first, practicing simple things like curiosity, open questions, and responding to what someone shares gradually makes it feel more intuitive and more rewarding over time.
I’m glad the book has been helpful for you! Anything that breaks communication down into a learnable skill is a gift.
This also acts as a public filter
If you small talk with someone and they react positively (or at least don’t treat you weird) … then the person you are small talking to is a
decentRECEPTIVE person who is also open to a bit of communication.If you small talk with someone and they immediately treat you weird, walk away or just don’t want to deal with you … then chances are, it was a good thing you said something to eliminate any negative interaction.
EDIT: changed a word in my phrasing
Me: being socially anxious and going into panic stations when small talk begins.
Other person: it appears that this is not a decent person.
Yeah that actually happens. Saying “sorry I have social anxiety” as you dip out of the interaction surprisingly helps a lot.
Great tip, I’d be receptive
This is what a lot of people don’t get about small-talk, and OP’s image touches on it, it’s not about educating someone how trains work (looking at you fellow autists) it’s about playing a short game where you gauge each other’s receptiveness to friendliness or a desire to socialize. If your small-talk partner isn’t receptive, has nothing to say and seems disinterested, you take your leave. You say “Hey I gotta run, see ya around!” and just leave it at that.
(Guys, this is also how you talk to girls you don’t know, it’s literally the entirety of volumes of pickup artist bullshit condensed into one paragraph without any weird games or sexist bullshit. Just make small-talk, see if they want to engage back, AND THEN WALK THE FUCK AWAY if they’re icy to you. If they don’t respond, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you, and no you don’t get a second chance in this conversation, you will make it worse if you keep trying to talk to someone not interested. I am shocked how hard this is for so many guys to understand. And fully prepared to piss insecure midwits off with this factual take because it triggers SO many insecure people to talk about how to socialize properly.)
Preach. You get about a pleasant sentence and if you just get the momentary half smile or something you’re coolly moving on immediately.
Honestly, my favorite people are the ones who love to talk and are horribly desperate to babble to potential listeners. I’m not much of a talker but I absolutely dont mind looking you in the eyes and nodding my head as you talk about your hobby or current going ons.
In bigger social groups I noticed this weird thing fellow humans tend to do where they all want a slice of being the talker/ center of attention and constantly cut off eachother or tune out current speaker waiting for them to shut up so they can start their monkey babble turn.
This behavior absolutely infuriates me and I refuse to take part in it. I would rather just be silent and let you say your piece than interrupt the flow.
As a knock on effect people subconsciously notice I’m not competing with them for talk time and am sending them constant listening signals like looking in the eye nodding head “mhm got you” stuff. This seems to really go a long way with making friendly with talkative types with minimal effort.
It’s me. I’m one of the great many who needed this. Thank you OP!
is making animal noises at each-other a sufficient way of small talk? asking for ourselves.
I mean… it works for animals?
This exchange reads like Archer dialogue and I’m digging it
We have the tism and many of our vocal stims is animal noises (esp cats/dogs si de we grew up with them) and we just make anima noises with our partner or just be with eachother in silence and it’s calming/welcoming :3
Cicadas do nothing but shreik unholy shrill screams until someone else of their species decides to have sex with them, so why don’t we give that a try?
Tried that. Got kicked out of the stripclub. Had to have lunch somewhere else.
Context dependent, but I’ve definitely meowed as a non-threatening greeting before
Wonderful xD
*friendly noises
HONK <3
*reciprocal friendly noises
GREETINGS FELLOW HUMAN, I AM A NON THREATENING HUMAN, NO NEED TO AVOID BEING NEAR MY PRESENCE
Hey bud, how you doing?
This lasts right until I learn that someone likes bugs. Then I just show them the most recent bug picture I have taken. So much less energy. So much less nerve-wracking. I want to show you my cool bug photos and I want to see your cool bug photos. We know what we’re about (we’re about sharing cool bug photos).
If it’s to simply make noises to assert non-violent intentions, then I say we can be more than our natural urges without giving into these innate tendencies. Sincerely, an introvert.
I’m an introvert and I enjoy small talk.
Calm down, brother. You must resist those biological urges. We are civilized now. 😉
I’m sorry, sister. I will do better.
Amen
I like to start of with small talk and then get into political issues and ridicule people. No idea why they don’t like it
What these sounds mean, he thought, is: I am alive and so are you. And we’re all very worried that we might not be alive for much longer, so we’ll just keep talking, because that’s better than thinking.
- Truckers, Terry Pratchett
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Another reason to boycott imgur it seems.
Here:
Isn’t the content blocked because imgur refused to implement ID-based age verification so as a result they just blocked users in the UK? Or am I missing something else here
Is that it? This isn’t even close to being NSFW
They said you need it. They didn’t say you could have it.
I think that small talk is an ever constant reminder of the pervasive nature that is ‘wanting to be happy’.
Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting to be happy. There is something wrong about being willing to sacrifice anything for what you perceive is the thing (or person, or hobby, or whatever) that will bring you happiness.
I think that the reason small talk is so fucking meaningless is because we all are just seeking some measure of peace and happiness in our lives. We simply can’t tell everyone who asks that our day is going terribly, for one thing it will make us feel worse — for another it will also make everyone that has to tolerate us feel worse. So we say “Fine” or “Good” or “Tired” or “The weather has me down” or whatever other instantly acceptable and obvious answer is easiest and ends the interaction quickly.
I think if we allowed people to be more honest with themselves that things like small talk wouldn’t really exist beyond trying to fill a silent void. But sure, friendly human noises go brrr.
This post is quite profound
Seems a great many of you need this.
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Nope. Don’t need that.
Did you know that the reason imgur blocks the UK is that it is trying to evade a fine for selling children’s personal data?
They are a shit corporation and they already deleted old data for posters that didn’t have a paid subscription with them.
There are other image hosts.
Lemmy lets you upped directly to your instance and if gets federated.
Don’t use imgur.
It’s disturbing how many single women put on their dating profiles how much they hate small talk. Like, how else do you get to know somebody?
The complaint is about guys who want to text forever and not move forward. Heard that a lot when I was dating hot and heavy. Seems lots of guys are either just lonely and wanting to talk on dating apps or who aren’t bold enough to ask for the date in a timely manner.
You have to establish, quickly, that there aren’t any screaming red flags, then ask for the first date. If dating isn’t what you’re there for, go find something else to do.
It’s also a filter for wishy-washy men. Sorry guys, women like men who are decisive. Which a lot of men take to mean “be a controlling jerk”. Not the same, not even close.
So I’m old and greying now (in my late 30s), have no major stake in this but I’d like to reframe something you’ve said from a different perspective based on life experience.
I disagree that women like men who are decisive. It’s going to sound like pedantry but I think that’s too broad. That’s not a message that helps young men find a good way.
In my experience, women like it when men are thoughtfully and respectfully decisive. Men are complex, sophisticated, have good days, bad days, strong days, days when they feel weak. Days when they’re decisive and days when they are not. I don’t think we can split men into two camps - decisive and indecisive - without oversimplifying. A man can be decisive one day and indecisive the next.
The messaging that reached me as a young man, which I detested, was to be decisive above all else (at the expense of thoughtfulness and consideration) because indecisiveness would repel women even more than being a bad person. That’s not the message that I’d like young men to hear. I’d like the world to be a better place than when I was growing up.
This comment is not so much directed at you as it is to others who may come across it and have had a similar experience. Be decisive but if and only when you’ve taken her and others into account. This is how you earn the respect of your contemporaries.
None of what you’ve said rings false or against my experience.
I’m old and greying now (in my late 30s)
You can kiss my ass, whipper snapper.
There could be some sort of gray area between the two options of a) whiny wet napkin and b) aggressive asshole?
We should put some Bro Scientists on exploring this ASAP
