Ignoring the gigantic needle piercing its body, that pressure relief must feel amazing
Oh, neat! Message received: if I eat enough beans, I can be my own creme brulee torch!
Wow, that would explain the mutilated cows that people think are aliens. Like lightning striking an explosive cow and boom ground beef.
Doesn’t take a lightning strike. A cow dead for long enough may explode due to gas buildup. Conspiracy people gonna conspiracy tho
Lmao they literally flare off the cow??
Gee I somehow thought somebody shot a lil jet propelled blow dart lol
Hey Angus, why is Hettie on fire?
Oh she just walked past Bessie.
Best to give Bessie a wide birth ey Angus.
That’s right Maggie, when you see Bessie coming you better MOOOOOOve over.
Oh nice one Angus.
Thanks maggs that’s why they call me the cow-median.
Udder genius.
It’s half and half tbh
That cow is very slightly rocket powered.
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Removed by mod
I know I might get shit for this, but I thought I would share it anyways because you asked.
Ultimate Requirement for Ballistic Bovine
- Methane Production: ~2 kg/s sustained (400x natural rate).
- LOX Supply: 10 kg/s (requiring cryogenic tanker trucks).
- Thrust: > 7,000 N (per cow-nozzle).
- Structural Integrity: Cow reinforced with carbon nanotubes (to avoid rapid unplanned disassembly at ignition).
- Ignition System: Tesla Coil Spark Plug implanted in the rumen.
- Trajectory: Vertical launch pad (avoiding trees, barns, UFOs).
Final Verdict:
Technically possible if you:- Treat the cow as a meat-based fuselage.
- Ignore ethics, biology, physics, and local fire codes.
- Have a NASA-sized budget and a death wish.
Outcome:
- Success? A charred cow fragment reaches low Earth orbit.
- Failure? A crater smelling of burnt hair and rocket fuel.
- Better Use: Flare the methane. It’s cheaper, safer, and the cow lives.
Disclaimer: No cows were harmed in this thought experiment. Please do not weaponize livestock. 🚀🐄🔥
Achieving Ballistic Velocity (The Tsiolkovsky Cow Equation)
The **Rocket Equation** is brutal:
`Δv = Isp * g₀ * ln(m₀ / m_f)`
Where:
* `Δv` = Change in velocity needed (`11,186 m/s` for escape).
* `Isp` = Specific impulse (`~360 s` for CH4/LOX).
* `g₀` = Gravity (`9.81 m/s²`).
* `m₀` = Initial mass (cow + engines + LOX + methane).
* `m_f` = Final mass (just… cooked cow?).
**Assumptions:**
* Engine mass: `300 kg` (mini-Raptor).
* LOX mass: **5x** methane mass (rocket ratio).
* Methane stored: `500 kg` (we’re pumping hard).
* `m₀ = 700 (cow) + 300 (engine) + 500 (CH₄) + 2,500 (LOX) = 4,000 kg`.
* `m_f = 700 kg` (cow, assuming engines/tanks detach).
**Calculation:**
`Δv = 360 * 9.81 * ln(4,000 / 700)`
`= 3,531.6 * ln(5.71)`
`= 3,531.6 * 1.74`
`= ~6,150 m/s`.
**Result:** **6,150 m/s < 11,186 m/s**.
→ **Verdict:** Suborbital cow. Maximum apogee: **~1,000 km** (a very high moo).
→ **Impact Velocity:** **~3-4 km/s** (kinetic energy = 0.5 * 700kg * (3,500m/s)^2 ≈ **4.3 gigajoules**).
→ **Effect:** Creates a **10m wide crater**, vaporizing the cow and any nearby farmers. A true “pasture bomb.”
This seems much less than 2kg/s and where do you get liquid oxygen from?
You just know there’s some old vet that systematically lights up his cig on this every time he does it, all casual
Won’t it get really hot after a while?
You can also put a hose down it’s throat.
Which makes for a much more dramatic-looking jet of flame when you light it.
For the cowherd that always wanted to be a dragon-keeper.
I ate so much I feel like I need this fr
Imagine cooking a hamburger using that torch.
Imagine thinking this is a good solution to horribly mis-feeding animals.
