I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Edit: Bunch of damn pyros in this thread.
Eat it.
…and we’re done here
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
It generally helps if you tie it on
fuck it, I’m leaving it
Tie one on? I don’t think that mixes with driving…
See. It works.
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do it.
Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.
Collect?
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
–Edit–
This method has additional merit in that you don’t actually even get rid of it.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says “Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!”
Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit
Rip off the material, and take the innards to a metal recycling plant near you, for free. (Disclaimer, I’m assuming metal recycling places take things for free in your area)
Eta. Oops. I didn’t read. I’ll delete.
bonfire time
This reminds me when I was a grad student at CU Boulder, one of the frat houses decided to get rid of an old couch by dragging it out into the street and setting on fire. Became a running joke in town for years afterward.
Stick it in the front yard with a sign that says
Free soiled mattress!
Whomever takes it is now your bff
No sign required, you have a big canvas already. Just need some spray paint.
Break into a neighbor’s house and put it under their mattress.
infect it with bedbugs, then leave it on the street with a free sign.
Fold it length way, rope around each end. Open the middle stick a bit of wood in it…and canoe. Bonus old pillows on a stick for a paddle
