Have you ever noticed how all the vampire lore is based around Europe, but never in Africa?

It’s because they bless the rains down in Africa.

The last one i learned:

What does a Dutch man do when his team wins the Soccer World Cup?

He saves and switches off his PlayStation.

A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

The guy says, “I always thought it was three wishes.”

The genie says, “Check your pants.”

The guy looks down and says, “Woah, it’s huge!”

Genie says, “I’ve been doing this for a long time.”

This Twonks two panel is probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Anyone I show it to cracks up. He is a genius.

A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!” He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he’s hearing it constantly - “Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!”

Finally he can’t stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace!” He takes a cab to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says, “Go to the roulette wheel!” He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, “Bet it all on Red twenty-three!” He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.

The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, “Fuck.”

A preacher tells his congregation that next Sunday he will be doing a sermon about the sin of lying. In preparation, he asks them to read Mark 17.

The next Sunday, he asks them to raise their hand if they read Mark 17. Everybody raises their hands.

The preacher says “that’s funny because there is no Mark 17, Mark only has 16 chapters. Now on to my sermon about the sin of lying”

“How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?” “Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold my mother…I MEAN THE LADDER!!”.

I have a joke about piping to /dev/null, but you wouldn’t get it.

A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy…

Therapist: Your wife says you don’t pay attention to what’s going on in her life and you’re not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.

Husband: Gosh, I guess that’s true. I mean… I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

Over 100 years old, my grandfather would slip snippets of it into casual conversation making my grandmother slap him and go “STOOOP!”

'Twas the Night of the King’s Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off. All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was not yet heard of.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed, with his balls slung over his shoulder. “What ho!” cried the King. “Ass-hole!” replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.

At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. “But what of the Queen?” asked Daniel. “Oh, fuck the Queen!” replied the King, and 50,000 loyal courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, “Oh, shit!”; and all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

“Stop!” cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called “Halt!” and 49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel, who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.

The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions’ den for three days and three nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts — but of course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some tea!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of tea?” Daniel replied, “C-U-N-T!” And the Queen departed.

On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, “Oh Queen, I am in need of some pills!” and the Queen asked, “What manner of pills?” Daniel replied, “NIP-PILLS!” And the Queen departed.

Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But one of the lions took a liking to Daniel’s left nut, and began to munch upon it. “Oh, it tickles, it tickles!” cried Daniel. “What tickles?” asked the King. “TES-TICKLES!” roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion’s turd and came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.

Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, “Where’s the Queen?” “Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper.” “And is she well-supplied with paper?” “Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen.” “It is good,” said the King. “And where’s the Princess?” “Oh, she’s upstairs in bed with laryngitis.” “Not that fucking Greek again!” cried Daniel.

This amused the King and he spake, “Oh, fuck the Princess!” and another 40,000 loyal courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King’s word was law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, “Well, I’ll be fucked!” — more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on the bed, clad only in Nature’s attire. “Roll over, Queen!” ordered the King. “I’ll be fucked if I will!” shouted the Queen. “You will at that,” observed the King, “but you’ll be corn-holed if you won’t!” Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

When the King saw this, he cried, “Balls!”; not because he had to, but because he had two. And the Queen replied, “Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!”

Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.

Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King’s word was law and the King ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. “Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child. What steps are to be taken?” “Fuckin’ big ones!” replied Daniel as he vanished over the Southern horizon.

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

Why did the old lady fall into the well?

She couldn’t see that well.

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies?

He was hung like this: Spread your arms out as if on a cross

Where does the king keep his armies?

in his sleevies!

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.

Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn’t give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.

All of these jokes reminds me of the joke about jokes.

You see, back in the vaudeville days, social clubs were popular. Secret societies, fraternal orders, et cetera. So all these comedians got together and created the National Order of Comedians, Clowns and Jokesters. Every year they would have a national conference, and each member would get up on stage and tell a joke. See the comments here if you want to relive the experience.

As the years passed, since all the members were extremely professional and took humor seriously, and with the NOCCJ taking in new members, they decided to save time and just tell the punchlines. So a comedian would go on stage, say something like “wrecked him? Damn near killed him!” And everyone would chuckle, and then pass the mic to the next person.

Well more years passed and they got even more members, the NOCCJ was huge. So to save even more time, they made The List. All the jokes were on the list, and each joke got a number. So a comedian would get up on stage, say something like “57”, everyone would politely clap, and then pass the mic and keep going.

Last year though, something happened. I was, of course, there, sitting in the crowd, and things were going on as they have been for years. “34” clap clap. “876” clap clap. “358” clap clap. “277” clap clap.

Then someone, I couldn’t tell you who, got on stage and said “478”.

From the back, this old man starts laughing. He’s got tears streaming down his face, he’s roaring with laughter, falling out of his chair. He’s laughing so hard people are worried he’s going to have a heart attack! So we rush back to him to see if he’s all right.

We got to him and pull him off of the floor, and someone asks him “what’s going on? Are you ok??”

Panting, still crying from laughter and wheezing, he yells out… “I HAVEN’T HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!”