I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
Fuck this “manliness” bullshit. Wear a skirt. Punch anyone who makes a thing of it. You do you, boss and you do it to be happy with yourself. Nobody else gets to decide that. Nobody.
Yes now get off social media.
I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.
I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.
I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.
If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive
I used the word “manly” here as a shorthand for traditional masculinity, which I assumed was how it’s used colloquially; I don’t mean to assert that men are defined by traditional masculinity. My concern (more like blind superstition) is that a preference for many of those features (minus the misogyny) are biologically wired, and that having very few of these characteristics is inherently unattractive to most male-attracted people. It’s a fear that traditional masculinity is an inescapable standard and opting out leads to extreme difficulty in finding relationships. I asked this question because I want evidence that it’s safe to ignore gender roles entirely.
I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser
Funnily enough, I kind of was. I was raised by far right extremists whose beliefs were so obviously evil and cruel that I sought outside information through the Internet as a teen. Most of what I saw there was right-leaning, but far less openly bloodthirsty, so it was more palatable to me to consume. But because of this, I deeply internalized right-wing social constructs, including most of the lies about women that are used to justify misogyny and patriarchy.
This programming socially stunted me. I hated myself because I didn’t live up to masculine standards and I was bullied for it at home and school. I wasn’t interested in women because I was indoctrinated into believing they were helpless damsels who wanted to be controlled, which, especially seeing my parents’ abusive relationship, felt grossly exploitative to me. I decided to just lay low and be polite, accepting that I was inferior due to my lack of machismo.
Even though I avoided others and had no confidence, I still had people, mostly women, who wanted to reach out and get to know me. They praised the softer traits that I tried to hide, and I found myself admiring many of their tough and protective personality traits. That deprogrammed me from gender norms, but only for platonic connections. Whether or not it was safe to ditch gender norms for romantic connections was an open question for me. So getting helpful feedback to this question has helped boost my confidence on that a lot!
My brother, unfortunately, never challenged his programming. He tells me that all women are the same, they all want to be ruled over by men, and LGBTQ+ women are straight people in denial. A few weeks ago, he literally killed his girlfriend’s cat for “misbehaving.” Instead of breaking up, they just casually replaced the cat with a different one. So yeah, the people I grew up around are so unhinged that it radicalized me into becoming normal.
You are living during the time of masculine emancipation my friend. Men are allowed to be cute af these days and more and more women are catching on that this is a good thing. Some of the guys I know who register this way have found a lot of success dating in the non-binary scene where gender expectations are more generally negotiable. Non-binary circles are encircled with exterior connections of cis communities who have a more dynamic understanding of gender so if you are in a market to find likeminded souls that’s where I would look.
And also… Cute is sexy. It’s not everyone’s vibe but there’s definitely a desire out there for true gentlemen emphasis on the gentle. Most of the cis ones I know are married to ride or die partners whom exude an aura of sweetness out to 20ft.
I didn’t have the guts to post when I first read this, but as someone who like Hello Kitty, Power Puff Girls, Totally Spies, and many other cute things, it feels pretty damn good knowing I’m not alone. Your post is very relatable to me. Society paints this weird picture, I think—but damn, so what if I think it would be nice if a girl wanted to give ME flowers? I like flowers!
Fuck society, @sprigatito_bread@lemmy.world ! Let’s live our way!
Thanks for making my week. 🙂
Hell yeah, friend! My cute shows were Pokemon, MLP FiM, and Hamtaro! And I imagine myself getting all blushy and giggly if a girl kissed me. This whole stoicism thing is overrated; I want to be turned into a blubbering mess!
When people like us are brave enough to express themselves out in the open, that is how change happens. It is through our influence that we normalize and validate the existence of like-minded people and inspire them to stand up alongside us. By virtue of simply existing and interacting with others, we nudge society ever so slightly in the direction of acceptance.
The tenderness in your soul is something incredibly precious. It is the power to heal, the power to bring joy, and the power to create harmony. It is the power to touch hearts and change lives. Don’t ever let anyone ever convince you that it’s a weakness. It is the most valuable treasure one can ever possess.
I’m honored to have given you a little bit of the validation that you deserve. Differences are what make us interesting and memorable to others, and intolerant people don’t deserve the time of day. Once I stopped self-censoring to appease them, I was able to connect with so many more people. The benefits far outweighed the risks. I hope that you someday find the courage to express yourself in front of others too, if you haven’t already.
This is how you end up in an abusive relationship…
Theres a fish for every net, my friend
Yeah, definitely. Women who love guys like that are more common than people think. I know a bunch. I married one. Stay upbeat and financially self-sufficient and you can find someone who’s right for you. The idea that you have to be a tough guy to get dates has evolved from a misconception to a fucking psyops.
By the way, as a bi guy, I have never considered a man “adorable” or “a sweetheart” unless I thought I’d enjoy dating him. I must presume that women are often the same way.
Leaning into this will probably garner attention from the right sort of women for you. The ones attracted to “traditional masculinity” (which is kind of a trap in some respects anyway) probably wouldn’t be attracted to you sexually in the first place, based on what you describe here. So you don’t really lose anything by what you plan to do. Go for it!
And if anyone gives you guff about it, tell them to fuck off (or whatever response appropriate to your vibe, but carrying a similar message, works best).
Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?
Colman Domingo SLAYED it.
https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188
We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!
Yes you can! I’m quite the same way and you may enjoy checking out !femboy@lemmy.blahaj.zone :3
Aww you’re always posting cute stuff like this on Lemmy. Keep up the cuteness haha!
Aww thank you! I’ll try <3
I see no issue here. A man can absolutely be ‘cute’ without being any less of a man. Masculinity isn’t about rugged looks, strength, dominance, or any of that shit. It’s about self confidence (not arrogance, just being comfortable being yourself) and giving to others, both of which you seem to do well.
Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t found a partner to match you yet.
Be outgoing and funny and you’ll find what you need. Hell, most likely it’ll come to you. You wouldn’t want one of those chicks who fawn over those “masculine” man-children anyway.
Be outgoing and funny
Lol. Be rich and handsome too, it will help.
I mean, sure, but my suggestions can be learned and practiced.
There are definitely women who like and appreciate a partner like that. Particularly, demi-sexual women would absolutely love a supportive and caring partner. Pansexual women could too. Many women may not realize they’re demi or pan and don’t usually advertise themselves as such, but they are there.
I myself don’t act very masculine and don’t relate well with other men. I identify as the gender apathetic flavor of non-binary. Not being masculine or feminine in mannorisms. I appear male, but like you, my mannerisms are gentle and caring. I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way… I don’t know if there’s a way out of that 😅… BUT they will help you find a date.
When I met my future wife, I let her know I wanted to date her before being friends but after being aquatinted. She appreciated my politeness and care and reciprocated it back. We’ve been married for 10 years now. Found out later she was demi-sexual. She didn’t find me attractive at first (she didn’t find anyone truly attractive), but she did as she loved me more.
I find this funny because while reading this post I thought to myself “I don’t see why I wouldn’t date someone like that?” and I identify as demisexual. I’m already taken, unfortunately for OP, but I’m sure if he were to mention wanting someone to cuddle or being lonely to those friends who called him “cute” and “adorable” someone may step up and either find him a match or admit interest.
I definitely have had women friends see me “as a little brother” and cared about me in a platonic way…
Lmao, I got called a little brother by a friend too!
She literally changed my life by helping me work through my past struggles with gender expectations and trust issues, so she was definitely a mentor figure for me at the time. The reason I can proudly share my desire to be a cute guy is directly thanks to her. She showed me that people truly liked me for who I was, even if I was a bit different. It turns out that what made me different was exactly what she liked about me the most. After all, the first thing she ever said to me was, “Oh my god, you’re adorable!”
I’m so happy that it worked out for you! Your story is relatable to me and gives me hope.
I am certainly not in your target demographic, and personally yeah it would be a turnoff but it would be really stupid for you to try to change and be unhappy - you don’t need everyone to appreciate you in a romantic way, you only need a few admirers, right?
Looking at the people my kids date (more likely your age) they don’t seem to have the preference for “manly men”, none of them. They like guys who are not afraid to be soft, not afraid to wear nail polish or look ‘girly’ or whatever, they seem to find guys who do the Masculine thing actively off-putting. So you are in a good cultural moment I’d say. I think you will do fine being yourself, also never think it’s a weakness to be gentle and caring. Most people want to be taken care of to some extent, just make sure this isn’t a one-way thing, you take care of them too.
