Accept “I have no idea” as an answer, and don’t use it as an opportunity to push things in the direction you want.
learn to account for people being wrong, and don’t punish them for it.

Engineers want to be accurate. They don’t want to give answers that they’re unsure about or just speculating.
Early in their careers they’re often willing to, but that gets beaten out of them pretty quickly by people with deadlines. Expressing uncertainty often means the person interprets the answer in the direction they want, and then holds the engineer to that answer.
“It could be anywhere from 2-8 months I think, but we won’t know until we’re further into the design phase” is taken as 2 months, planned around, and then crunch Time starts when it starts to go over. Or revising an estimate once new information or changing requirements are revealed is treated as incompetence, even though more work taking more time is expected.

It’s in the self interest of the engineer to be cagey. “I don’t like to give estimates this early” is much harder to turn into a solid commitment than an earnest best estimate given the current known state of the project.

Similar for resources required or processes. Anything you don’t say is unlikely to be held against you.

As an engineer you learn to be very careful about what you say to non engineers.

A trivial example.

What if we make change x?

It’ll make some things harder and some things easier.

One week later.

Why are you having problems? You said doing x would make things easier.

More complicated example.

Can this be used for real time control?

Define real time.

Just answer the question.

I can’t it’s a bad question. I need to know what you are trying to control.

Frankly, it’s tiresome trying to describe technical details with business analysts who glaze over something you’re passionate about, treating it like nerdsprak. If the engineer has spent any amount of time producing a solution, you can bet he’s passionate and invested. Give credit where credit is due and don’t sound like an obnoxious condescending douchbag when doing so. People can tell when a disinterested person is giving fake praise. It’s quite different when a crowd of peers is giving recognition of a job well done. And no, you’re probably not as smart as they are in their field of expertise.

Also, listen to their input. They don’t want a product with their name going live with a feature the bean counters want, but the engineers know make the product worse. It’s like a mom watching your daughter to go to prom with a cheap haircut because dad as too cheap to fork out for a perm. You know what I mean.

If you are saying things like ‘I’m not interested in punishing anyone for past decisions or mistakes’, I think I can see the problem.

My experience is you get the best response if they understand why you need the information and at what level of detail. They seem to respond well to clarity, organization and logic (who doesn’t!), so prepare your communications to include the background they need (how does your request help them in the long run), what it is you need from them (and in what format), and when you need it by. Trust is built by demonstrating your value to them. Think about ways you can help them get the info to you (start the work for them, book time on their calendars to focus on the request, sit with them and help them produce the info).

Side note: engineers sometimes offer information that is not executive ready - you will either need to translate or tell the engineer who the audience is for the information.

Talk less, listen more.

They’re probably (no offense) nerds, so let them nerd out and listen to them.

Then actually act on what they say, and soon they’re be telling you more shit than you want to know.

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This post is a little too vague to give real advice. You don’t tell us what industry you’re in. You don’t tell us if the engineers are the end users of the software or processes you’re working on, or if they will implement the software or processes you’re working on.

If they’re the end users, they might be concerned that the changes you’re designing are going to make their jobs harder. A lot of changes in the past couple decades aimed at “efficiency” have involved making people take on more work for no additional pay, then firing the administrative staff or other engineers who used to do that work. Even if that isn’t the sort of project you’re working on they are reasonably wary based on past experience. Or maybe it’s not clear to you how this will make their life harder but management will find a way.

If the engineers are writing the software that you are helping design, how are you helping to make their jobs easier and more fulfilling? It’s an unfortunate fact that software engineers are sometimes treated like misbehaving vending machines that will produce software if you force them to. If they are writing the code, there’s a very good chance that they know more about this process than anyone else in the room, but are they treated like they know more than anyone else in the room? Is their expertise valued or are they treated like roadblocks when they give their expert opinions?

Anecdote from my first job (software engineering): New manager wants to know what our team does and how our process and software works. Like, he really really wants to know it!

Okay, I book a timeslot and prepare some slides and an example; we have a meeting. I go over the high level stuff, getting more and more specific. (Each person on our team was responsible for end-to-end developing bootloaders for embedded HW.) When I got to the SW update process and what bit patterns the memory needs to have and how the packets of data are transmitted, he called off the meeting and I’ve never seen him since.

I guess, he didn’t want to know THAT much after all.

I work in a fairly toxic work environment.

The reasons I do what the engineers are doing are,

1. A lot of times people will ask me questions and I give them answers. Then something will go wrong and it will somehow be my fault that I didn’t mention it to them (they didn’t ask, and I don’t know the specifics of what they are doing).

2. I have my own goals and projects for the year. Why should I give you a significant amount of my time when my salary/bonus will not reflect helping you in anyway.

3. Job security.

These might sound bad, but that is how it works in corporate America

Edit: It sounds like you need management on board with you before you can fully continue

My husband is an engineer. Screaming, “what the fuck are talking about?” is probably not the way.

hesitation because they’re worried about “incriminating” themselves

This is a hard one. Because this is not about engineers, but their nature as people.

An anecdote: A lawyer, once casually asked me - if I were to design a building (this was hypothetical, because I am not a civil engineer) and after construction, was to realise some mistake that would cost lives, would I go on to tell them about it - and his tone seemed like he considered it common sense that I won’t report it.
So, at least in his mind, it is common sense that people hide their mistakes.

technical details

I am a kind of person that doesn’t know that people find it difficult to understand concepts out of their domain (mostly because I understand most, well explained stuff, irrespective of domain) and if someone were to ask me about my work, I would easily wander into the details. After a few years of industry experience, realising that to not be the case, I tend to be more abstract.

If you want the engineers to tell you more in depth about the technical stuff, I’d suggest you to show them your aptitude to understand their stuff and you will see them going more into detail of it. I had a manager (kind of), who was also an engineer and used Linux on a regular basis. I found it easy to discuss more in depth regarding solutions (the product was using Linux too) due to his familiarity.

I’m a software developer, and I sometimes if I’m asked how something works, I can find it difficult to explain things in a way that would make sense to the listener, whether they are a PM or the client.

Other times, depending on the question, I simply don’t know the answer, and it could take hours for me to gain enough understanding of the project to even respond intelligently.

As an engineer, I hate having to repeat the same thing again and again so take notes and make sure you understand them.

Secondly know the product or project intimately relative to your level. For example if I work on the project and I know it from the code and infrastructure and everything else in addition to how it works for the end user then the least I expect is that the person asking the questions has used the software with a demo account on UAT or something so that my answers will not go over their heads. Knowing the product will also allow you to talk to clients better and you will know what it can and can’t do.

I’m ok with someone if I see they are willing to make the effort regardless of their level, if someone is coming to me to do their work for them , then I lose my patience fast and will very soon be less helpful and prioritize my actual work over their bs.

Finally as I said we are often overworked and not looking to have more things to do. We are the ones that have to stay late to fix someone’s mess or get called to patch an emergency zero day in some software used by the company on a weekend. In addition we support everyone else as without us there is no product and no jobs for the rest of you. We are at the bottom of the pyramid holding the rest up with the CEO being the prick at the top.

Finally dont just engage when you need something, get to know them and see if you can help them with something. Maybe a heads up about a project or client to avoid or some thing.

It is good that you want to bridge the gap and I wish more in your position would do so.

Had a similar experience at a job. One source of resistance I found was engineers knowing upper management had absolutely no stomach for the type of change that the company desperately needed. This would lead to them likely not implementing anything meaningful. So rather than waste their time helping me and getting on board with the changes, they just kept churning out the same trash and questioned why I hadn’t made all their lives better.

Everyone wants change so long as they don’t have to be the ones to change.