Sigh. I don’t know where to start or what do I need to ask here even at all.
So, I have joined a new workplace and I just don’t know how to interact with people. Most of the time I don’t feel the energy to interact. But being shutdown feels not very socially acceptable behavior nor I feel it would do any good to me.
First two weeks, I didn’t talk with anyone at all. Only one or two interactions here and there that’s about it. After I did manage to get into small group of employees who’ve joined recently and they allowed me to join their social circle.
At this point, I thought I was gonna be okay and will improve at socialising. But even after a month, I still feel this feeling of being subhuman level at socialising. I feel so different, I feel so not normal. I feel everyone are just better at socialising. They got this nailed down somewhere down their lives but somehow I just missed it.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have confidence in my voice either so most of the time I try to end conversations with few words. Idk anything really.
Edit: Wow, I didn’t expect this much reception to this post especially since it was very messy how I explained my problem. But you guys surprised me, haha. Thank you all for your advice. I’m reading every one of your replies! I love this community.
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I’d say you’re fighting the wrong enemy. You think everyone else got a skill you missed, but you’re really just comparing how you feel inside to how they look outside. That’s not a fair fight.
Sun Tzu would say to know the ground and know yourself. The ground is a new workplace, so feeling lost is totally normal. Knowing yourself means knowing you’re quiet, low on energy, and unsure of your voice. That doesn’t make you “subhuman” - it’s just information.
And you’ve also done more than you give yourself credit for. Those two weeks of silence were basically scouting, and then you got into a group of other new hires and stayed in it for a month. That’s not nothing.
The real issue is how you’ve been talking to yourself. Calling yourself subhuman is like a general tearing down his own army before the battle. And cutting conversations short probably teaches you that talking is risky, which is the opposite of what you need.
I’d go small. One short, real conversation a day, mostly with people you already know. Ask a question, listen, and let your voice/confidence get stronger by using it. You don’t need to win everyone over, just get comfortable with a few.
On a related note, perhaps consider that you could be neurodivergent (such as autistic). Neurodivergence is not a weakness - it is a difference in mental structure that can come with both strengths and weaknesses, and if (IF) you are neurodivergent, knowing these things about yourself can help you.
There have already been a lot of good tips here. That’s why I’d like to add one more thought that goes in a completely different direction: Your problem might indicate a strong autistic trait. Do some research, observe yourself to see if you notice any others, and have a professional evaluate you if your suspicions are confirmed.
A few things that I haven’t read here:
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Everyone at work is stressed. Everyone wants to be somewhere else, but has to pay bills. Therefore, don’t take it personal if people are angry, frustrated, snap at you or don’t want to talk. Many of the people that come across as mean and unfriendly are nice and chill off the clock.
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Likewise, accept if people keep their distance. Consider how much distance you want to keep, and how much you trust which coworker. Again, nothing personal, just the way people are. As someone said so nicely, often, politeness is more important than friendliness.
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Shared suffering is bonding. “Sucks today, eh?” is a complete sentence and shows that you are on their team. Be careful around talking about specific people or talking politics. And if you do, start slowly. Feel out the other person first, and always consider how big the chance of them being a backstabbing bootlicker is, and how much damage they could do to you in that case. Don’t be paranoid either, but don’t blindly trust strangers.
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Got some advice I feel really strongly about and I’d appreciate your ear. I feel deep down this will help you immeasurably.
Grab a free copy of Andrew Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It is not about how to manipulate people, nor is it a bullshit step-by-step self improvement scheme. It’s about how to get along with people and the benefits you’ll see from doing so.
Carnegie wanted a book how to get along with people using natural human nature. He wrote to universities all over the US and was told such a book didn’t exist. So he decided to write one.
There’s no “Do these steps and become a social Tyrannosaur!” It’s mostly just him telling stories of travelling the US, taking in other people’s experiences and adding some of his own. The neat part, and he stresses this up front, is that you can pop the book open at any point and read a bit. There’s no particular order to follow. (For this reason I’d find a hard copy better than digital. You do you.)
You’ll find some bits where you think, “That’s been working for me and I didn’t even know I was doing that!” Other parts will leave you thinking, “No wonder I always fail at that sort of thing.” It’s pretty much all short stories you can distill lessons from, not a bunch of preachy crap.
Here’s one for taste:
Carnegie had a dinner party with him, his wife and another couple. The other guy ran his mouth non-stop while Carnegie politely listened, only interjecting to make it clear he was following. At the end of the night the guy complimented Carnegie on his oratorical skills! LOL, Carnegie barely said a word and this guy came away saying Carnegie was a masterful conversationalist and an intensely interesting person.
We can see that sort of thing with Bill Clinton and Mamdani. Watch them interact with people; those boys are a masterclass on this. They listen, never looking for an opening to interject their talking point. The person they’re speaking to feels heard. And that person comes away saying how awesome those guys are at talking!
Being a bit shy makes things extra hard when it comes to fitting in and socializing. Keep swinging. Good luck and all the best.
Something that I remember reading many years ago has stuck with me. In general, people like talking about themselves. Ask questions about what’s going on in their lives. If they have pets ask about those. People love their pets. Ask about their family if they have one. The harder part may be that you need to show interest. If you want to connect to these people, try to get to know them to some degree. You don’t have to know everything about them, but if some is married and has kids, get a pulse on the situation. If someone has a dog, try to remember that and ask about it. As a person with dogs, I could provide hours of stories and pictures.
Don’t be political or share strong opinions, at least until you know your audience. Find out what interests they have them ask questions about that stuff. I know something about everyone on my team that I can talk about. Maybe not tons, but enough to get a conversation started that I can pivot on. When you find common ground, share something about yourself related to that.
I keep using dogs as an example, but half of my team has at least one dog. That’s an easy ice breaker. From there you can pivot many directions.
Just listen and ask questions.
I do that if a person wants to have a conversation with me. But real problem comes when they don’t initiate a conversation or when more people are involved.
When more people get involved I just shutdown, I only listen and barely add anything to the conversation.
When a person I know comes around me and doesn’t initiate, I feel awkward I just don’t say anything and ignore them which I feel is giving off a very rude image to them, but I can’t help. “I’m not the extrovert between us why don’t you initiate :(” is only thing I think of there.
I dunno i don’t have all the context but I think you’re too hard on yourself. That’s a pretty typical interaction between two introverts standing around the kettle or something.
I have a few questions. How old are you? Are you male or female? And exactly what do you do for work?
Like anything else. Practice!
All those people that are good at socializing have been doing it since they were curious little kids talking to anyone they met and saying silly things.
Seek out low consequence interactions and practice with them. When a cashier is ringing you out, ask how their day is going. When you pass someone in public, try out the phrases that you’ll say to co-workers as you pass each other at work.
If you’re in Australia, if someone comes around a simple, “Hey, how’s it going?” Will do, social interaction done and dusted. Most of the time the reply will be, “Good yourself?” and you reply, “Yeah good thanks.”
If it doesn’t go beyond that, it’s a satisfactory social engagement completed. If it does, great, go with the flow.
Over the years, I’ve learned the subtle art of not giving a fuck. If someone doesn’t want to engage, all good.
Not giving a fuck is actually the key. It’s harder for some people to get there but that’s where you need to end up.
For some, the idea “no one analyzes your behavior the way you do” helps. For others, it’s “if they don’t like the way you are you shouldn’t care what they think”. It’s different for everybody but getting to the point where a bad social interaction isn’t scary anymore is what you want.
Why Some People Are Instantly Likeable - Alain de Botton
So. There are two issues here.
One is finding topics to talk about. This is what small talk is for. “The weather” is a dumb topic, but it leads to all sorts of things. “Nice weather, did you do anything cool outside on the weekend?” “Bad weather, how did you cope?”
Socializing is like throwing balls back and forth as a game. You try to do something with the “ball” they throw at you and throw a question or a comment or a little story back at them. But also, if you initiate and they don’t want to play the socializing game (because they’re tired or busy or something), that’s it, no socializing.
The voice and speaking thing is something else. Not sure how to advise on that. I don’t understand having “no confidence in your voice”. Do you mean you’re too quiet? Sounds like more of a therapy thing. Maybe a choir or theater hobby group could help you? It’s probably just practice, so you should seek a place where you get that practice and train your voice?
I’ve been in your shoes before. Been there for a long time, years. This is not about knowing how to ask questions. It’s about anxiety and self image.
Maybe you’re seeing yourself as the new guy or as the introvert, the weirdo, the different. Try to not fixate on it.
I have two tips:
1- Accept that you have a personality, some will like it, some won’t. Instead of asking or faking interest, look for the people you find genuinely interesting and share your stuff with them. Small stuff, don’t need to overshare or be egocentric. “Today I saw something on youtube, …” “I don’t drink coffee because one time I…” “This new project seems interesting, I wonder if…”. That’s how the conversation picks up and you develop a connection.
2- There is a hyper-extrovert in the group. Just avoid him. It’s impossible to be around these people, they get frustrated when someone is not engaged in the conversation enough and they’ll start to be mean.
Read How to win friends and influence people.
*I like that this was downvoted.
