I have no friends.

it’s mostly a personal choice, but also a lack of acceptable partners.

I rely on nobody. I lean on nobody. I share with nobody. not because I feel masculine doing it, but because I don’t feel the need to. I’ve been “alone” for decades at this point and anything else feels foreign.

should I find one or many friends, they would inevitably need me more than I them and that would be unfair to them and me. if I would befriend someone like me it negates the friendship entirely. the importance of a friendship being built on bilateral support is often undersold or ignored entirely.

Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I happy? rarely. Am I satisfied? satisfactorily. introducing a friend to my life would inevitably destabilize my balanced world where it was no longer within my control.

Hell yeah, I love my homies. Most of my friends I met through conventions, which is a pretty easy way to meet people. We game sometimes, we’ve worked on cosplay, had wild parties, and we talk and hang out sometimes. A bunch aren’t local but I’ve also got a lot of guys who I hang out with locally.

You just gotta find the right people and don’t hang out with the people who you don’t vibe with. Throw a party for the people you do like and they can invite people that are cool they like.

I have painstakingly picked a few guys from literally all the guys I’ve ever met, and these guys are the best. It’s been a lot of trial and error to get here, but it was well worth the effort.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

No. Mainly for these reasons.

I tried more when I was younger. At some point I couldn’t be bothered with those kind of things anymore.

Maybe it’s just me or the places I’ve been, but men are value superficially. Most guys I’ve thought were friends were shallow or based on value extractions.

There was one man only who didn’t care about tangible values. Whether that be monetary, social capital, or what have you. We drifted apart over the years and lost contact all together. Might be the only true friend I’ve ever had.

It seems from my experience the gateway to most male friendship is animalistic headbutting. I’m not about that. Maybe I tired of that too soon before my age group moved on from that phase. I don’t know.

Yes, my best friend and I have been friends for 35 years, even though he lives 1000 miles away. I’m close with one of my male cousins and we talk regularly. My wife and I also just hung out with another longtime male friend and his wife and just spent the night bullshitting. Also making new friends, including men, at the living history museum I’m on the board of.

I’m not always sure why these folks want to hang out with me, but I’m glad to have them in my life.

Yep. I have a few really old friends elsewhere in the world that I’m no longer in regular touch with that were having a great time when we meet. Then I have my homies around the city that I’ve known for twenty odd years that we have a group chat with almost daily messages and I meet at least one about once a month. Finally I have the local dog people that have become friends over the last years that we happen upon outside, and some go on dog walks and I’m invited to their events and parties.

All these circles are both men and women, curiously progressively younger than me the more new friends and acquaintances I make. I feel that I can ask people in any of these circles if I need help or talk about something, selectively depending on the need but still.

I’m really an introverted dude with a need for private time so this is quite sufficient for my social needs and with my dog by my side I very rarely feel lonely.

I’ve tried, man. I at least got better at socializing in a common atmosphere, so I don’t feel so distant, but many people just don’t reciprocate communications. I invite a repeating occasion for people, and they’ll need 8 reminders or just not show up, to the point I don’t bother. When I realize I’m always the initiator, I decide that connection isn’t important to them.

God forbid a deeper need like confessing to traumas or needing emotional support. Some of the slightest favors I’ve asked of people have been too much. All the “above and beyond” actions I’ve ever seen in my life where people do things for one another have been in fictional media, never between actual human beings.

All of the males around me are conservatives. No

I’m satisfied but I think my bar is really low.

I hardly talk to any of them but if they ever messaged me out of the blue for help, I’d be there for them and I’d like to think they’d lend me a hand if things got really bad, too. That’s all I could ask of them. I have one I see once every few months for a beer. We talk about games and general frustrations with life. He’s an American living in Japan and I’m Canadian, but we seem to align politically so we don’t need to tip-toe around that, which is nice.

What kinda friends are you looking for?? What needs weren’t met when you say your peers disappointed you? Did they actively hurt you (emotionally or otherwise)?

If other guys are like me, they don’t want or particularly feel the need to express their feelings because they already have a particular set of people who they feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of, so they can’t reciprocate even if you want to open up.

Not really. I have a lot of trouble relating to other straight/cis men. The more time I spend around someone, the less I like them. I pretty much hate most “masculine” stuff. I have started to prefer ephemeral stuff like talking people up in public, doing board games and trivia nights, and attending niche meetups. Friendships rarely stick, but I do see the same people periodically which is nice

I’ve tried gaming, but card games are too expensive for my interest level, and I get burned out out video games too quickly to get into competitive stuff. A bunch of my friends from college bond over this, and it kinda sucks to feel incompatible with it. I sometimes get in on an D&D game which is great, but not especially frequent.

I have more female and LGBTQ friends than anything, but it’s hard to feel fully included in those communities either because I’m pretty much a normie. It’s still the most positive community I am a part of and tend to earn trust and an ally pretty quickly, so I lean on it.

I’m also pretty autistic and mostly want to talk to people about Linux, mesh networks, and data hoarding, and I have my best luck online. I’m a part of a few niche online communities and do IRL meetups and stuff.

I work in word tech startups, and like my coworkers, but they’re not my close friends. Still, it’s the closest I get to “my people”, but it’s mostly remote work and hardly anyone ever lives near me.

I an excellent relationship with my wife and she has a much easier time making friends. She and her friends all think it’s weird that I don’t have many close friends, and it really does feel like it’s just hard to be a social man these days.

It does get to be hard. I do sometimes worry that I am uniquely unlikeable, but I also don’t ever get that feedback. I just have no idea where I would find the kind of friend that thinks writing NixOS flakes and Terraform scripts is a fun leisure activity.

I believe that in my previous life I must’ve done something good that brought me luck in this one.

I have a group of a dozen male friends whom I would trust with my life and the lives of my family. I think the same holds for each and every one of them.

We all come from the same small town. The group grew since kindergarten a few of us went to, adding friends through school, highschool, university. We have different careers and each one brings a unique perspective on things.

We try to get together as often as possible, but with work and kids and families it’s difficult to always make it. So we implemented the “minimum viable product” approach where any two of us will arrange to meet up, then notify everyone else about what/when/where we are planning, and have anyone else join if they can, too. So even if just the original two meet up, they get to see a good friend. And if more show up, so much the better.

I feel truly blessed in this regard. I think there’s a huge number of benefits we all reap from such a group: social safety net, psychological support, sanity checks on ideas and life decisions, reliable people you can vent to, always having someone to have a beer with, interventions when needed.

I know few people have this, and if I could magically wish things into being, it would be that everyone in the world gets a friend group like this to rely on. I feel it would make things… significantly better.

Take care of each other out there.

You guys have friends?

Yes, but it took time to get there. Two things shifted: I opened up and I lowered the bar to be called “friend”.

Opening up: geek out. Find the people that share your interests. I know, it’s hard to do. But if you can find some people with a common thread, you’ll likely find people with a few common threads and several tangential threads. Obviously, it’s hard to find people, but chances are if you find one, they’ll bring you more similar-minded people. Secondly obviously, you have to throttle yourself to not overdo the geeking until you know it’s someone that has similar levels of interest. Most people geek out about something, but your local societal norms tend to direct you on what’s normal. Watching every sports game of a particular team, knowing their stats? Geek. Cars? Geek. Guns? American Geek. Weight lifting min/maxing? Geekmaxing. These are just the normal masculine hobbies. Weather, space, physics, electronics, gardening, cooking, reading, so many other things to geek about. Try going to events that are part of or are tangential to your interests. Even if you dont grab anyone’s contact info, enjoy vibing with your kind. Depending on the gig, you might even start seeing the same people.

Lowering the bar: I spent souch time feeling like I had no real friends. I had work friends. I lost school friends. I left home city friends. I lost prior work friends. Then I threw a big party and invited people from across my life. They showed up (mostly) and it literally felt like I was just catching up with old friends. The party itself wasn’t important (to this topic), but the realization was. I always heard this notion of “fair-weathered friends” and “friends of proximity” and thought it applied to all of mine. Now I know: they’re all friends of proximity because everyone is. Even your own family. If you lose the proximity, the friendship fades if you don’t make the time for them. But it doesn’t mean it’s gone. It doesn’t mean it needs a formal restart. I have summer friends, winter friends, work friends, concert friends, and so on. No, they’re not all deep friendships, but they’re people I can message on mutual topics and get together for mutual interests. But, among the ~30 people I can think of off the top of my head, there’s maybe 5 I can talk about anything to. Doesn’t mean I do. But they’re people that i can spontaneously have deep conversations with.

Opening up can be as a simple as “I’m having a bad time with [blank]”. If you’re surrounded by masculinity, you might just get some dumb curt answers like “fix it” or “so don’t do it”. But you might find people with relevant experiences. I know I have selection bias, but most of the people in my life now would lend an ear and try to help. Humans like solving problems.

Similarly, when I was younger, I had more female friends than male. I’m sure being horny was an underlying factor, but I have little interest in most male interests here. By 25, I felt like I had no one. By 35, I was surrounded by 20 men and 20 tangential women, all friends, all open emotionally, all with just a seemingly small amount of common interest. But all about the same vibe.

And yet I can go a week and only talk to my spouse. And I’m happy with that. My spouse is my best friend, but I’m in the orbit of all these other people to share hobbies and interests with, both with and without my spouse.

It’s unfortunate, but friendships seem to be worn down by time. I’ve always been the person who will reach out if I feel like the other person also does but as soon as it feels one sided I lose motivation. When I was younger and lived closer to several people I considered friends, it felt nice. But as the years roll on, I find myself growing apart from friends in several ways. One of those ways is that despite seeming like not “kid people” several friends now have multiple kids and that’s their life now. Which isn’t really my thing. Other friends, I just feel I have less in common with than before, or they’ve gone off one deep end or another. Politics is a non zero factor. Conspiracy theories are another thing, unfortunately.

I have an amazing set of male friends. We have been friends since college. We game, go on vacations, go to events, go out for dinner together, we help each-other out. We all talk to each-other at least once a week. We have weathered marriages, divorces, kids, grandkids, moves, addictions, hospital visits, and funerals.