What’s big, flat, and green and if it falls from a tree on you it will kill you?
spoiler
A pool table.
This one has been my favorite since I was single digits years old.
A snail goes into a pub, comes up to the bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says “You taking the piss mate? We don’t serve molluscs here.”
Snail, outraged, asks why not.
The bartender refuses to elaborate, and just tells the snail to piss off.
“Listen,” says the snail, “I’m not leaving until I get my beer.”
At this point the bartender has had enough of this. He picks up the snail in one hand and hurls him out the door.
Two years later, the bartender is there, getting ready for the evening rush, when the same snail appears in the doorway.
Bartender looks at him and says “You again?”
Snail looks back and says “Hey man, what the hell?”
Two breadrolls are in the oven together.
One of them says to the other “Sure is hot in here huh?”
The other replies “AHHHH, a talking breadroll!”
Why did the near-sighted man fall in to the well?
–
Because he didn’t see that well.
A horse goes up to the bar, and they look sad, so the barman goes “why the long face?”
“My wife just died, and I’m not handling it well, another drink”
what do you call a racist foot fetishist?
answer
black-toes-intolerant
What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Tap for spoiler
One is Pho profit, and the other is Naan profit
Obligatory. https://natethesnake.com/
Tldr?
I remember reading this one like… 20 years ago. Legendary stuff
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
spoiler
Dr. Dre
What’s brown, sticky and floats in the toilet?
spoiler
A stick!
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was a tense situation.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”
I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.
“Knock knock”
Who’s there?
“ … ”
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”
Two guys are at the bar when one announces that he has to leave. “Where do you have to be?” “I have to go home to take care of the bees.” “The bees? You keep bees?” “Yes, I keep bees.” “You live in a studio apartment! Where do you keep the bees?” “In a shoebox under the bed.” “You keep bees in a shoebox under the bed?” “Yeah. They’re bees. Fuck 'em.”
Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.
Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?
Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.
A gunshot is heard.
Hunter: Ok, now what?
