A baby polar bear trundles up to its father and says, “hey dad, am I 100% pure polar bear?” His father replies, “I’m busy hunting seals. Go ask your mother.” The baby bear then trundles over and asks his mom, “hey mom, am I 100% pure polar bear?” The mother answers “Wow that’s an interesting question. So…your father and I are both 100% pure polar bear. My mother and father were 100% pure polar bear and your father’s parents were 100% pure polar bear. So that means that you are 100% pure polar bear. Why do you ask?” And the baby polar bear answered “Because I’m fucking freezing!”
What’s big, flat, and green and if it falls from a tree on you it will kill you?
spoiler
A pool table.
This one has been my favorite since I was single digits years old.
A snail goes into a pub, comes up to the bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says “You taking the piss mate? We don’t serve molluscs here.”
Snail, outraged, asks why not.
The bartender refuses to elaborate, and just tells the snail to piss off.
“Listen,” says the snail, “I’m not leaving until I get my beer.”
At this point the bartender has had enough of this. He picks up the snail in one hand and hurls him out the door.
Two years later, the bartender is there, getting ready for the evening rush, when the same snail appears in the doorway.
Bartender looks at him and says “You again?”
Snail looks back and says “Hey man, what the hell?”
Huh?
I’m guessing it took 2 years for the snail to come back to yell at the bartender
Two breadrolls are in the oven together.
One of them says to the other “Sure is hot in here huh?”
The other replies “AHHHH, a talking breadroll!”
Why did the near-sighted man fall in to the well?
–
Because he didn’t see that well.
A horse goes up to the bar, and they look sad, so the barman goes “why the long face?”
“My wife just died, and I’m not handling it well, another drink”
What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Tap for spoiler
One is Pho profit, and the other is Naan profit
what do you call a racist foot fetishist?
answer
black-toes-intolerant
Obligatory. https://natethesnake.com/
Tldr?
I remember reading this one like… 20 years ago. Legendary stuff
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
spoiler
Dr. Dre
What’s brown, sticky and floats in the toilet?
spoiler
A stick!
I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.
“Knock knock”
Who’s there?
“ … ”
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was a tense situation.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”
A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, “I’ll have a gin and…tonic.” The bartender looks confused and asks, “what’s with the big pause.” The bear looks at the bartender and says, “well I’m a bear.”
Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.
Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?
Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.
A gunshot is heard.
Hunter: Ok, now what?
