personal satellite with Hatsune Miku licensed voice assistant for targeting and fire control. A few lasers of different frequency, a railgun, maybe some emergency snack pods with little chutes.
Body odour
Or that guy from Mystery Men who farts.
Balls that orbit around you (think magneto of x-men)
a finger on the monkeys paw curls
Im steering clear
A tank full of sharks and gloves that dispense a sticky concentrated chum mixture with each hit. Get a couple good body blows in, knock them into the water, let nature (+/-) take its course.
Yo-yos.
Something that makes me disappear instantly and teleports me to the pub down the street. Cold beer is better than hot fight.
What if it’s a bar fight
Anti-tankie mines
If anything were possible, I have always liked AE van Vogt’s fictional weaponry:
In “The Weapon Shops of Isher”, the defensive weapons sold by the shops are advanced ray guns with integrated force fields, making them highly effective against government and criminal threats. These weapons ensure citizens can defend themselves against tyranny and oppression while upholding a policy of non-aggression, aiming to foster a more just government over time.
The weapons can somehow be used to defend but not be used in an act of aggression. And the force field protects the bearer.
A fun read if you are into golden age science fiction.
A gun that shoots tiny missiles that aim at the attackers butthole and once they hit they release a jet of freezing water up their butt.
Self defense is a fantasy of control. If you want to eliminate threats to yourself rationally, eat more vegetables, take care of your mental health, and drive carefully.
I was more or less trying not to refer to weapons of mass destruction. Not implying self defense is virtuous.
Some sort of impenetrable energy barrier or whatever that would absorb/reflect whatever fast kinetic blow/projectile would be ideal, IMO. I’d rather have the absorb version so I could just berate them for being violent instead of just getting killed by a bouncing bullet, lol.
Ordinary pajamas of “No, you!” That automagically protect you. Oh, some thought they would shoot you? Surprise! They get shot instead.
Lol
Temporary blinding LED flash weapon, stink bombs, vomiting, reciting the Captain Ahab monologue from Moby Dick where he’s telling them to split their lungs with blood and thunder and crack their oars and backs.
Captain Ahab monologue
This one’s kind of cool. What about a voice modulator that makes it seems like your voice is their own internal monologue and you can disarm them by boring them to death or confusing them.
Spontaneous Human Explosion guaranteeing Mutually Assured Self-Defence/Destruction.
Like 2 Kings in a Chess game, you can’t be next to each other.
Opposite of the movie Wedlock
Omnidirectional body mounted claymore mine.
Just watch your hands.
