For some context, we are first generation immigrants. My parents are Russian, my mother and her husband have been living here for 20 years (even got rid of Russian citizenship couple years ago), my biological father is still living in Russia.
It’s damn exhausting to discuss political topics with them, especially my father. He keeps telling me how great it is to live in Russia, how their economy is doing great and how he’s proud that they are defending their “brothers” in Donezk and Luhansk from the evil bandera regime in Ukraine.
My mom voted far right in the past election. She doesn’t believe she voted for nazis, but the party’s views on economics, climate policy and immigration seem to align with hers. She believes wind farms are harmful for the environment. What the actual fuck.
Whenever I try to argue with them, they tell me that I’ve been brainwashed by “Western propaganda”.
I’m at a loss. I love my parents and I know that nobody’s immune to propaganda, but it’s heartbreaking to see them holding these toxic beliefs. How would you deal with parents like these? Should I just declare to never talk about politics with them again since it’s pointless?
My therapist made a really great point when I brought up this exact issue with him. He asked if I value a relationship with my parents, and I said yes. Then he said that the price you have to pay for having a relationship with them, is never discussing politics.
It worked for a year or so, but then they voted for that rapist again, and I’ve since cut them out of my life. I’m not walking around on the eggshells of their bigotry and ignorance just so I can get some semblance of what some may describe as affection. You can only say/do so many shitty terrible things before I’m just done with you completely, and they hit their limit, so it was time to cash out.
Sorry, my advice of ignoring politics only works for a little while.
If you don’t mind me asking, how often did politics come up with your parents?
Edit: just for my own perspective, they came up a little with my father while he was still alive and very, very rarely with my mother who I still see daily. I gently gauge the political position that my kids have but I’ve raised them all with empathy as a central tenet of their upbringing so that’s more or less where they tend to fall as best I can tell.
I am not interested in ending up where you did and I mean that with kindness.
My parents have conservative talk radio and/or fox news on basically 24/7 in their house and car, so there was really nowhere I could escape their politics. I figured out that all their talk was BS, but could never convince my parents of anything. I could take a quote from their favorite host, and pair it alongside facts stating the opposite was true from an organization that they, themselves, were members of, and they still would dismiss me.
In reality, it’s not the politics that got between us, it’s that they’re shitty people.
Rapist? You mean Bill Clinton? Or Biden, who showered with his 16 year old daughter?
Similar struggle. I told my folks (they live 2hrs away and I see them every 2 mo.) that they need to choose: a relationship with me or talking about politics. At first I gave a couple warnings, but after maybe 3 or 4 times. I reiterated, me or politics, and left without another word. Works with phone calls too. “Did you hear what Bide” click - I hang up.
Treat them like dogs - they’re trainable. If you abruptly leave or hang up every time, eventually they’ll get the hint. If not, they’ve made their choice and if it’s not you, then you’ll need to move on.
I didn’t travel 2 hours to talk about someone I’ll never meet. Let’s talk about ourselves and what’s new in our lives. What’s going on in the garden, what’s new in the office, whatever happened to what’s-her-name you used to hang out with.
If you’re set on doing this you need to accept you may never be successful.
Also it has to be something gentle, not necessarily subtle, but compassionate. If you don’t accept that they believe in their views then they will only feel attacked and lash out for defense.
As for actually changing their views, choose one or two things that you can point to in examples they can observe. Propaganda has a very hard time defeating our own eyes and ears. I don’t even know which country you’re in so you’ll have to figure that out for yourself.
Another way to change their views is to get them to volunteer with organizations that help people down on their luck. A lot of times, just hearing the stories of how people ended up in need of help can change attitudes.
I work in Arizona with the homeless and downtrodden. The overwhelming majority of them are right wing and are homeless because they actively refuse help, among other severe mental health issues.
That sucks. I’ve had the opposite experience. Obviously the mental health issues are a thing but usually the people without those issues are keenly aware of why they slid into homelessness.
Easy. Log into their router next time I visit, adjust the DNS setting and redirect fox, oann, and facebook to actual news sites.
Some routers have DNS settings other than choosing a DNS provider? :0 What does setting this up look like generally?
Tell them what you think and then cut them out of your life. That is what I have done. Fuck their nonsense.
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That really depends on the political views. If someone’s belief is that certain groups do not deserve to exist/live, or at least doesn’t care enough about those views of the party they voted for, that is absolutely reason enough to cut them out of your life.
“If Russia is so great why do we live here?”
Tell this every time they start bullshitting.
Are they, especially your mom, different in person?
I have this one aunt who will hold forth in any crowd, insisting on whatever conspiracy theory she read on Facebook most recently. It’s tiring to the point that most of my adult life I’ve avoided her at family get togethers. But last time I saw her, just before pandemic, we happened into conversation away from everyone else. She came across lucid, intelligent, and we had a good conversation. wtf? Where has all that been?
If you live with them it could be tricky but let them know you will not be talking politics or any kind of emotionally charged topic with them going forward. Lets keep it light and stick to the things we agree on and leave everything else at the door. Avoid talking about them or saying you or sounding accusatory to minimize defensiveness, just let them know these topics and conversations are not how you want to use your time and energy and thinking anymore.
If they start trying to drag you into a forbidden topic, simply let them know you are heading off to do something since you dont have anything to add or contribute to topics that you are uncomfortable with like you mentioned to them before.
Start with this and let us know if they bite. I’ve got some other ideas but start with this and see how it goes. At the end of the day, engaging in these kinds of discussions over and rehashed constantly is damaging and pointless so the key is transcending them by not participating in them or feeding the wrong wolf. Be polite and respectful but also assertive that you will not be dealing with these topics any longer
Although I don’t live with them, the topic comes up every time I am on the phone with my father. He keeps yapping and yapping about how great the motherland is, until I snap. It seems it’s all he ever wants to talk about - Putin this, Ukraine that.
Thank you for your advice, I’ll try setting up some boundaries next time he calls.
Ya just let him know you’re not spending your time and mental energy on that stuff. Stop talking to him on the phone or let him know that as soon as things are falling off course into that stuff, you gotta go and take a break from him for a few weeks.
Eventually he will get the message but if its still a problem after that, might need to go no contact to demonstrate you’re serious
Oh hey we’re in the exact same boat! My parents are from Russia too and moved to Germany about 20 years ago. If the bureaucracy here wasn’t that slow, they would have had citizenship by now and 100% both voted AfD.
We never had a decent relationship and I’m not concerned about preserving anything, so the goal is to just fully cut all contact at some point 🤷
Until then, I just act ignorant whenever they bring up politics (like literally pretending to not know who Trump is, because “what, why would I pay attention to niche american politics, they’re literally an ocean away??”).
Works pretty well, sometimes it even does make them retrospect about why they would care so much about seemingly random topics (because Russian propaganda channels train them to react to specific buzzwords).
Ultimately, I don’t think they would ever change into better people and any energy put into changing their minds would be better used somewhere else.Smother them with a pillow while they sleep.
Edit: this comment will land on the right side of history
I don’t talk politics. Not at work. Not to my parents. I just keep my opinions to myself to keep my sanity.
This is the way. Most loud people don’t talk politics, they just convey the latest talking points because they feel like being rewarded.
Just stay out of the stupid-shouting match.
I wouldn’t.
I’d approach it from a personal level, as in, “you’re disgusting for doing this, you’re disgusting for pretending any of this bullshit is defensible. This is beyond the pale. I’ll talk to you again if you stop it with the crap, not before. I’m ashamed to come from people who would do this.”
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to try and talk actual policy points with them. You think they reasoned their way there? This isn’t politics, it’s assholish indecency. Treat it like the thing it is.
Debating people who’s entire thing is “don’t be serious but make the others be” is dumb. Clown on em, tell them you can visit when they stop being transparently awful. Make it their job to patch things up, and don’t use kid gloves. Don’t allow the idea that they have a point into the conversation. That only applies to people who have points. Nazi shit gets you put in time out instead.
Don’t take up the mantle of always having to put out the fire they keep lighting in the bridge between you. They’ll burn it down and try to blame you for it, mark my words.
Books or audio books on the subject of cults and conspiracy theories help to both understand this and eventually know what to do about it.
Unfortunately, you arguing with them about it most likely did only damage and no good. Stop. It will only make your parents more right wing (and you left) then drive you both crazy.
Here is a good place to start if you like: Hivemind by A.Montell Cultish BA S.cavanagh
Hit me up if you want more. But it’s a complicated subject that can’t be explained in a short lemmy post. If you want any other advice, OP, eatsomeveggies.
Nothing you can do.
It’s not uncommon for people who lived under harsh authoritarians to still support that methodology even if they emigrate to a more moderate and tolerant society to escape the shit country for a better life. Cubans, Russians, even some of my own family members who lived under one of the most infamous dictators of all, they have the same sentiment about their own fascist leader: “At least Hitler made the trains run on time.” Even if it isn’t true, the dictator would bash heads and keep the apple cart from being upset - not because doing so made anyone’s life better…quite the opposite. Bashing heads and keeping order prevented things like crackdowns, purges, arrests and the like that made lives worse.
