I once got told off for being at a gay bar by an older lesbian couple. They said “our kind didn’t belong there” after they saw me dancing with my (just-out-of-the-closet) male friend and I guess assumed we were straight 🤷.

I understand they get annoyed when straight people just come to their parties because it is fun, because it is supposed to be a safe space and a space where you go to look for other gay people. At the same time, I wanted to be supportive of my friend and continue going to parties together.

When I was a young woman and alienated teen, the gay bars were so welcoming and safe, it was a safe place for some of us who didn’t fit at the keg parties and proms and shit. We didn’t bother anyone just danced, drank, enjoyed ourselves. Made friends, watched drag shows. It probably helped me stay sane back then. Not to say that was anybody else’s responsibility, just that that’s what it did. They liked having stylish punky girls there, were always welcoming.

Of course that was decades ago and we were not like “tourists” there, if that makes sense, there was more overlap between subcultures and back then at least the gay guys were a subculture. We stayed close to some of those guys, but over half our older gay friends died of AIDS, including two who killed themselves when they got HIV.

Where I live there used to be two gay bars. One of them held events for queer people, things like a queer adult prom for people who weren’t able to go as themselves when they were teens. Or drag shows of course because that’s such a fundamental part of the community. These weren’t events only for queer people but they were primarily for queer people. The thing is they became more and more overrun by straight folks, including my parents and a bunch of their straight friends. So one day they changed ownership and stopped being a gay bar. Now my town only has one gay bar.

That shit fucking sucks. Come to a gay bar if you want, but you gotta understand that it’s not for you. It’s for queer people to have a space to be themselves without straight people judging them in some way. We use it to meet people like us, to have fun with people we can feel safe around. If you don’t respect that then stay the fuck away.

I think not everyone is out of the closet and we shouldn’t make anyone feel unwelcome. Also anyone you clock as “straight” could be one of those who fall under one of the letters or the + at the end of the acronym everyone leaves off in conversation. Which means they ESPECIALLY deserve not to feel alienated and shouldn’t have to justify their existence in a space that is “suppose” to be accepting of queer folks. So unless someone is being an obnoxious twat (in which case bounce 'em) we should mind our own damn business.

Oh and if you have a “straight” friend you want to bring or wants to come to a gay bar, all of my points still stand.

What’s my opinion about women going somewhere where they know they’ll be safe, you mean?

Straight male, i went to this gay club a bunch with friends. Vibes were the best, plus i could go into either mens or womens restroom and be in the stall with either doing coke and no one gave a single fuck. We were all just there for a good time.

But this one time i went up to tip this beautiful drag queen and they pulled me on stage and danced around me before kissing my cheek. I dont like dudes but they were hot and i didnt care. It was always a fun time.

They’re free to do whatever they want. Besides, why would they care about my opinion?

As a straight man, I feel like I shouldn’t have a lot to say here, but I do.

First off, toxic masculinity makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve found over the years that I tend to gravitate towards friendships with queer people, and I find a lot of straight men very off putting.

But it’s not black and white. I find the younger queer crowd, at least the circle that I feel into, to be very kind and accepting. E.g. you can identify as whatever gender you want and people will support you. I find that very touching.

But I’ve also met a lot of problematic gay men. People who will speak rudely of woman because they are gay and I guess they feel they need to prove to the world that they don’t like woman 🤷. And it’s not just me, because I’ve seen the woman around me, including one who is bi, feel very uncomfortable at the comments made at them by certain gay men.

Like it’s not that hard. If someone isn’t being disrespectful then don’t be rude to them. Sometimes I feel like toxic masculinity plagues all men, regardless of their sexual orientation.

Is this just me, or has anyone else noticed this?

edit: probably worth saying, as I typed this it turned into a tangent. Just want to emphasize I understand the importance of having spaces for queer people

As a straight man (who has a few gay friends, and has been to a few of these bars in the past) I understand why they do. A lot of men are predatory creeps and you’re far less likely to be hit on by such a creep if you go to a gay bar. But then you’re gonna see more straight men show up and start hitting on women who likely won’t be interested because of their sexual orientation.

That being said, I have met some very predatory gay men (mainly outside of these bars), and a lot of gay people I’ve met previously have had experiences of being spiked. I’ll just leave it at that.

I’m a straight dude. IMO, I should be just as welcome at a “gay” bar as “gay” folks are at any other place. I’ve been chatted up respectfully by dudes in gay bars and had a “twink” try to shove his hands down my pants (and a few experiences between). The former is how people of all genders should be treated at all bars. Sure, it’s more likely that you’ll get chatted by a dude at a gay bar, but believe it or not, the last guy that asked me out was at a decidedly NOT gay bar.

I think: actual straight people don’t exist, only self hating people who cling desperately to an imagined blood tribe.

That being said, don’t proselytize your ways in other people’s places of love that do you no harm. I think of it like a church: you do you, I’ll do these people :)