I cook at home because of restaurant prices and tip culture. Driving everywhere sucks. Everything feels miles away so good luck walking.
What do you enjoy doing that’s not work and not “adulting”?
Find a hobby. Then find a group that shares that hobby. Clean up a park day, maybe.
Or find a charity or nonprofit that needs volunteers.
The local library probably has things going on, too.
Find a third space whether it’s the magic the gsthering shop and shop tournies or church or a knitting circle ran by the local yarn shop.
I’m guessing you don’t want to hear “the bar”.
Hobby groups. For board games, hiking, sports, etc.
You already have a shared interest, makes things easier.
It’s also just that it’s easier to talk to people while doing things. Chatting over a task/project/activity is kinda just what people do
True! Making friends out of strangers isn’t really all that difficult, but it does take some practice in being a normal human being and talking to people you just run into.
The sense of community in America is really dying out hard as people isolate themselves further in their little islands of homes and apartments and only socially exist online. But it is possible to just chat with some person you meet in the park while going for a walk without being a weirdo, just many people have forgotten how.
There’s a group of guys I meet up with in the warmer months to fish for bass under a bridge. How’d I meet them? I was fishing for trout in a lake and one of em asked if I had any bites. We had a normal chat between fishers, asking about what we’re targeting, what kinda bait and lures we’re using, comparing successes and failures. I peppered in some info about myself, e.g. mentioned a local noodle bar I liked, mentioned my partner, he did the same, we felt we were similar enough, he invited me to join him and his friends and now we meet up every couple of weeks between April and October.
You just gotta talk to people and not make it weird.
Yeah, it’s a difficult and scary skill to learn, and it begins with the much maligned small talk. Small talk is just easy ways to feel out another person so you might become more comfortable with each other. You just practice it with strangers until you’re comfortable doing it in general, and from there you can move to get better at conversing. It really is just a skill people can learn.
Plenty of people here are social. They just are not open to meeting new people, new ideas, let alone people that are different than them.
They want everyone everything to be the same. That’s what is super weird to me, personally. They get super hostile to you once they realize you aren’t like them, even if you are polite and kind.
I’ve had people try to start physical fights with me the past couple of years over differences of opinion or hobbies. That never happened to me ever in my life until recently. It sucks. The hostility is intense in a way that it never was before.
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I found bars full of people with self abuse issues.
Then the other things seem more useful for you in particular.
Volunteer. Audition for community theater. Get a job. Join a hiking group. Take an adult learning class. Download a dating app. Get yourself out there.
it’s a good way to meet new people. i do many of those things. none of them are good for meeting young single women.
where i live young single women are entirely focused on hanging out in bars, restaurants, and traveling. They don’t do hobbies or volunteering. the women who do that stuff are usually older or married or lesbian.
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I was responding to OP asking about friends and relationships, so not just “young single women.” But I did also say try a dating app. Singles is pretty much all those are for.
Obviously no one can give you town-specific suggestions but are bars and restaurants the only things women do you where you live? I’d be very surprised if that’s true.
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I didn’t say it above but I completely agree. He sounds about half an inch from using the word “females” at some point.
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you don’t make friends on dating apps. you find dates.
OP did say “get into relationships.”
the commenter is saying to get on dating apps to make friends.
I think you’re confused. Neither OP nor the commenter immediately above are limiting their remarks to friends only.
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Women tell men they want to be friends as a way to reject them softly. They don’t mean it.
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No, that’s my life experience. No woman from a dating app has ever wanted to be my friend unless she was trying to get in my pants and I wasn’t into her.
You are a woman clearly, you have a lot more social luxury and I bet you 100% all the ‘male friends’ you met on dating apps are secretly hoping one day you will ‘wake up’ and date them.
Men and women can be friends, but not from a dating app where the intention is attraction and sex. I have lots of female friends but I am not attracted to them.
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So manipulate people I meet on dating apps to date their hotter friends?
Now you’re just arguing for dishonestly and manipulation. Nice. So upstanding.
I’m not isolated from society. I just don’t use people on dating apps or treat them like social commodities. The fact you think in such dicthomies is alarming. You’re either socially isolated, or you need to use people.
Where I stand I have honest and healthy relationships. I don’t go around trying to acquire people like Pokemon and I certainly don’t use dating apps for a social life.
Get a hobby, go to events, find social circles, and drink at the sort of bars you can chat with strangers at.
I met my wife at a dungeon, but I know that’s not to most people’s tastes.
Hey, I’ve also made long term friends from underground raves/sex dungeons. It’s a totally valid way to make friends. Like so many other methods, you already have a shared interest, that’s a springboard to explore if you’re otherwise compatible as buddies.
For me, it was always through work. Meeting co-workers after work, and meeting other people that way.
You do need to make an effort, though, instead of excuses.
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Yep. I’m exhausted after work, but when I spend some time after work biking I find I’m less exhausted after work once I’ve gotten used to it. Then add social events and yeah, I might need a day of rest regularly, but I also need to get out and do stuff regularly.
Also, learning to flirt is hard and vital. You will make an ass of yourself. Eventually though you get good at it. I’m an awkward dweeb with crap social skills, and yet after learning to flirt and years practicing I’ve managed to find myself making out with strangers on nights out every once in a while. The vital addendum is learning to chat with strangers and have a good time without it going further. Once again, awkward weirdo, but I’ve had so many lovely evenings out chatting with people I may or may not see again. It’s fun and results in a good reputation.
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I think starting flirting not expecting anything but practice is also valuable. I mostly flirt catch and release these days, and I think it’s best to understand that the goal is to learn to have fun with it. Even when married you should be flirtatious with your spouse, so learn to love it.
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Idk I find intentionality valuable in flirting, it’s just that my intent is to flirt and if it goes from there well then that’s fun. A sly smile with the compliment, then paying attention to see the tone of her response… it’s a game and it’s in some ways unique compared to telling a stranger I like their outfit (which I also do non flirtatiously).
“What can I say to make them like me” is the far more juvenile framing. It’s one I’ve seen especially beginners fall into. Instead framing flirtation as a (metaphorical) playful whisper of interest. It should be like a scent you wear: light, discretionarily used, inviting, and yourself. You’re not casting a spell to make them like you, you’re simply inviting them to come and see what could happen if they’re interested.
But all that is more the intermediate level. The only real secret is that people like spending time with people with whom they enjoy the time they spend with.
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the problem is people watch social media all day and expect everything to be easy and instant like it is on there.
Imagine finding the perfect partner, getting married, moving in together etc.
Now that you’re married and that’s all settled, where do the two of you go for fun? Where do the two of you go to get out of the house?
Go there.
Shit fuck i don’t go anywhere with my wife. I’m gonna suck at dating
Coed recreational sports team. Lots of them are mostly social with a little bit of sports tossed in. And almost all of them are looking for more players.
Find local polyamorous meet ups. They’re usually down for new “members”. You’ll have a new friend group for a while with the opportunity to bang several people. And usually there are any number of breakups so you can be a shoulder to cry on, etc. Seems like a lot in retrospect.
Username checks out.
Desperate time calls desperate measure.
I’ve been wondering that too. There are always co-workers but none I really connect to. Lots of parents but now that kids are grown there’s nothing in common.
Now I’ve really gotten into cooking but my kids are in college and I have no one to cook for. I have a smoker that can ditn30+ pounds of meat or 6 racks of ribs. Who’s hungry?
Hobbies. I struggled with this after college also because I left the church and my old social life had dried up. I was conditioned to just show up and my friends would be there and the nonreligious outside world doesn’t always work that way.
I would join a club or a group, preferably one with an even gender split or even a skew towards whoever you’re interested in dating. I found dancing in 2006. I never would have expected to get into it and probably spent most of the 90s calling it “gay”. I was tricked into going by a friend who said we were going bowling. I trusted her and she drove, so I had no escape. Many dances are “social” dances which means anyone can ask anyone to dance and you aren’t expected to bring a partner, most people don’t. I kept doing it and eventually started going without my friends. 20 years later, I have been in charge of running dances, I’ve been on the committee of large events, I’ve made some money teaching lessons, but most importantly of all, I’ve collected a circle of awesome supportive people, some acquaintances, some friends, and a handful that I’ve dated. Don’t go in with the intention of dating though because it counter intuitively guarantees you won’t find a date. Instead, just have fun. Ask the people who aren’t getting asked to dance, make friends, enjoy the music, etc. People notice when someone is capable of having fun on their own and they want to be a part of that. They appreciate someone who will dance with the sweet little old lady who shows up every week and not just the 10/10 blonde with the double D’s. My goal was always to dance with every woman in the room once, then go back for seconds with the people I most enjoyed dancing with. It can cost a few bucks to get in, but almost all of them will let you in free if you volunteer for a half hour to collect admissions or help set up/ tear down. It’s harder for guys (if you dance the lead role) to get started, but don’t be discouraged because we’re outnumbered and always in demand.
Biking is another good activity to meet people. You can join a club in many cities for a few bucks and they’ll basically send upcoming rides to your inbox all year round. If you’re not exercise inclined, there are also PEV (personal electric vehicle) rides in many cities that give you all of the fun and exploration with only a fraction of the workout.
Other good ideas: Frisbee golf league, ultimate Frisbee, hot springing (hot spring hippies are cool and very welcoming), poetry slams, board game parlours (these seem to be popping up everywhere) etc.
meetups, conventions, conferences, concerts, bars, hobbies, etc. It might be easier for me because I live in a very populous region, but I’ve found it pretty easy to meet people. 90%+ of those people don’t end up becoming long term friends, but that’s just how it is.
Also, the easiest way to start a conversation is to ask a question. “Hey what’s that?” “What are you doing?” It takes time to get a good feel for whether or not someone is actually looking for a conversation based on their response, but it is a skill anyone can learn and there’s generally no harm in short chats with strangers in public spaces.
Fuck if I know. I volunteer. I joined a community choir. I am mildly social at the coffee shop. There’s a local bar/restaurant with picnic table seating and the culture is you can talk with anyone you are seated by as long as you’re civil. People still go to churches. There’s PTAs and stuff for your kids. Just a few ideas.
Hobbies. I got into ham radio for this very reason. It’s also adjacent to my job (IT), and it’s one of the quintessential “hobby hobbies” like stamp collecting and model trains.
But doesn’t ham radio introduce you to people halfway across the planet?
And locally if you join a club. If there aren’t enough hams for a club there may be at least one you could seek out as an Elmer.
Sounds like you need a bicycle. Not only do you increase range but you can also meet other bike people.
That being said bike people are certainly a certain type of odd, and if you’re looking for women, we’re definitely a minority of people really into bicycles. Like, I love bikes, if you’re interested in them look for bike groups and see if there’s a bike repair coop nearby, 10/10 hobby, especially if you’re looking for left wing people who aren’t super self destructive.
I have been actively involved in the bike community in my city. There is about 1 woman for every 100 dudes, and she’s already dating another bike guy who is way more into bikes than you. It is an insane sex ratio. Also a lot of the bike people have nothing else going other than bikes and it’s just straight up weird. Like they work with bikes all day, then go on 6 hour bike rides, and spend any free time looking at pictures of bikes on social media.
The only ‘bike’ thing I know that has a good balance of men to women is triathlons. And that’s a sport people mostly come to from running or swimming, which also have much better gender ratios. In my city ‘run clubs’ have become dating hot spots.
Yeah, though in my experience the bike girl with a bike guy boyfriend is the one problematically into bikes in their relationship. Like, he’s had to put his foot down about no more new bikes.
Like as a woman into bikes, I really wish there were more of us and I know a lot of women who casually are interested, but I think especially with how hard-core into bikes a lot of people in the scene are scares people off. That and a lot of women who don’t have mechanical skills are uncomfortable trying for fear of breaking something or facing judgement.
In the city I used to live in a lot of the bike women I met got into it after burning out of some form of anarchist activism, and they tended to be some of the more balanced people in the bike scene that I knew.
So yeah, more casual group bike rides that encourage newer people and work to make women feel comfortable would be awesome for the hobby. And getting a second hobby would be awesome for a lot of people in the hobby.
I gave up on bike people. There is just way too much bullshit involved in cycling communities, and way too many people who are bitter that other people ride different kinds of bikes than they do. Way too many of them would rather bitch about other cyclists than actually just ride their bikes and be happy.
I used to teach people how to fix bikes but I quit after it went from a fun thing to be being lectured about how ‘problematic’ I was for having a penis and that what we ‘really need’ is woman-identifying person to teach women. Because all men are inherently evil or something.
Bikes are suppose to be fun. Not a proxy for people’s identity and political issues. But sadly that is what people prefer, to create their little tribes and be an asshole to anyone who isn’t part of their tribe.
you can also meet other bike people.
guys with ginger dreadlocks.
You all realize people commute on bikes all over the world that aren’t bike messengers, hipsters, or obsessive “bike people” right? A bike is a vehicle, not a flag.
also guys with no sense of humor who are easily triggered.
If you ride the trails at night and follow the potent smell of skunk you will find either:
A. a skunk B. Some dudes named Jellyfish and Willy, parked a bit off the trail smoking a J on a park bench talking about metaphysics and fried food.
most people who ride bikes aren’t ‘bike people’.
anymore than most people who drive cars, are ‘car people’.
and the vast majority of people who ride bikes want nothing to do with ‘bike people’ because they are weird and obnoxious.
Oh jeez, by bike people I meant others that ride a bike. Not necessarily doing nude bike rides or critical mass
