I got divorced like 5 months ago after a 9 years with this girl who cheated on me, emotionally abused me, etc etc
I’ve been suicidal since the split, getting worse by the day still, and literally nobody ever asked if I was OK, aside from my mom. Even when I begged close friends for support they basically just ghosted me. My ex is surrounded by support, from the same people who I thought were my best friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with? The attitude towards me is just “get over it”. I’ve lost almost everyone I’m close to because of this and I’m starting to think there might actually be one viable option of getting over it because existing is simply torture. All of 2025 felt like just a bad dream but it’s unfortunately real.
Edit: Yes I have a counselor - a very good one I see weekly.
Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.
Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.
BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.
Same here. My ex husband told everyone that I cheated on him. I mean, considering the fact that nobody ever asked for my side of the story, I suppose they weren’t really friends anyway.
I told everyone she cheated on me too which backfired amazingly lol
She told everyone I requested an open relationship so it didn’t count
Master manipulator
I mean, basically you failed to cultivate deep and meaningful relationships with other people is the problem. Did you ever open up to your friends about anything before your break up? Did they ever open up to you, or come to you with their problems? Did you have friends who were “your friends” who you often hung out with while she didn’t?
I’m a guy. I have male friends. I would support them in an instant if they were going through a breakup. I would expect my male friends (and my female friends) to do the same. Is this rare or weird? I dunno. I’m just me. I don’t have experience living anyone else’s life. But I’d recommend finding some friends who can form a support network for you whether or not it is “normal”. If it’s normal, be normal. If it isn’t, fuck being normal. Go be weird.
Shitty friends.
Do I just have shitty people around me or is this just what guys deal with?
Those “two” possibilities might actually just be the same thing. This is what guys deal with BECAUSE people are shitty.
People generally don’t go around looking to help others. People look for ways to make themselves feel better. People with a mantra of helping others may or may not be doing so, but they continue because it is helping them fill a hole in themselves.
I’ve never divorced, but I have had breakups, and I got over them by embracing the hobbies I had before (in my case, programming). That might not be a lot but it’s a start.
Because we are the problem. Never them. It takes a decade of shitty treatment to be seen as the problem. Everyone expects you to keep on keeping on and quit complaining.
I only say this as being divorced for a decade now. My son lives with me since her Insanity is apparent to him. I get sympathy from my family now, but in the beginning I was on my own.
Sounds like that toxic relationship continued through divorce with her making everyone “take sides” and stealing all support. Can’t give you any advice, you could reach out to some of your closest friends… Or, just start fresh with new people… like, moving to a new city or neighborhood.
Good luck! Stay safe and strong :)
Hey dude, it sucks to be in your position now. Divorce is hard. You feel all alone and it seems the rest of the world just keep moving forward when all you really want is to stop and tend to this big wound that opened up.
People don’t want to stop and see this wound you’re dealing with because it makes them uncomfortable. I’ve experienced that the only ones who can empathize are the ones that have gone through something painful such as divorce, or losing a loved one.
I can’t say if your existing friends were good/bad, but maybe you guys weren’t close to begin with. I lost my “friends” during my divorce, some of it was me culling people out of my life because I realized they were just “fair weather” friends. I also realized that I wasn’t a good friend to them either. New friends I made afterwards were closer because i shared my story with them and they accepted me. That’s also why I made more friends with older single people, male and females, those who had seen some shit.
I got close with my siblings finally, which was amazing, I told them how I had suicidal tendencies or thoughts too. My family got super worried, but my brother’s got close and checked in on me more. I made time for them too.
I know a message from an internet stranger may not mean much, but I wish you strength and kindness as you slog your way through to finding yourself again. You know that child that’s deep down? That person that enjoyed doing whatever activity and got tremendous joy out of it? That guy. If you can, please look after that 12 year old version in your soul (hopefully that makes some sense).
May you be well.
Edit: spacing
Because Men aren’t allowed to feel any emotion, and it’s always our fault no matter what. Like how any type of masculinity is toxic and chivalry is considered rude or borderline SA.
And it’s only getting worse.
Honestly, I think you got to kill yourself on the inside or be a republican. And its better to die then be a republican. I keep being told the left cares about my feelings, but they only care about the ones they want me to have and not the ones I do have.
Reps and Dems are so far gone that neither care about each other. I was a conservative when I was in the Army, but watching the left and the right battle each other recently, I’ve been slipping towards the moderate side.
Just don’t want to affiliate with either and just live in the middle of nowhere.I know I troll a lot on here but I just want to get these emotions out and get a different perspective on things.
My psychiatrist tells me that I need to open up more, but I feel that if I do, I’d just explode.
Oh well. No need to spill that on here. Whoops.
*Also, Republicans aren’t that bad. Democrats are just as bad from a different direction. At some point, they’re just Nazis pointing at each other with how far apart they are.
First : sorry you are going through this.
Second : yes most guys won’t get the support they need. It sucks.
Third : yes you have shitty people around you
The people who you thought were your friends aren’t. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren’t worth your time.
Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.
Thanks.
Yeah I’d be there for my bros if they went through this.
Yea, I have been there for several friends that went through this. If it really is how you say then those people kind of suck atm. Maybe ask one why before you write them off though. Better to know for sure vs remaining angry with people.
OP mentioned in another comment he went alt-right for a bit and came back.
I wouldn’t be there if a friend went off the deep end. I would however call him out for his views and tell him to fuck off vs just ghosting.
Ahh well if that’s the other shoe dropping. I’m always skeptical of folks that never bring up their flaws in the history. OP if that’s true you should own it, and apologize for those beliefs. It’s possible these people were done with you before the divorce.
He commented below with it. Might wanna reply there.
Good on you. In my experience no matter how much you’re there for bros, as soon as shit hits the fan for you it’s “sorry, I’m not really good with that stuff lol” and then they just kind of disappear until you’re magically better.
It’s also not easy to just write people off from your life for being shitty when you’re down and then be left with nobody. People act like “find better friends” is easy. Finding friends at all is hard for most people.
I wouldn’t say his friends are just shitty people. You really have to work with bros to foster a relationship where talking about emotions is acceptable. As men, we are really just ill equipped because of broad ideas about masculinity and its hard cycle to break.
Im willing to bet, if you surveyed his friends, there might be some who are heart broken they didnt know they should have stepped up.
Fair enough
I’d like to strongly challenge your third point. As others have said, there are many reasons people don’t provide emotional support besides “they’re not your friends.” They might not know how to be supportive, they might be afraid of saying the wrong things and causing more hurt, they might have an avoidant attachment style with a deep fear of having others depend on them. We all have moments when we fail to show up for people we care about, and if we respond by ending those relationships, we’ll be left without any at all.
I’m not saying it’s wrong for OP to end those friendships, and I think making new friends is usually a good move. I am saying that - when both parties are willing - being able to name and repair those hurts is part of having healthy relationships.
Without knowing more about you, it’s hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.
One possibility: you didn’t cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their “intimate relationship energy” into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.
Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.
Maybe it’s due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone’s in their early 30s, they’re probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn’t leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don’t already have deep ties with.
Maybe it’s a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don’t teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don’t, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.
I’m not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won’t help you as much as figuring out what to do next.
Thanks.
Yep.
Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.
This happened to me with a good friend. He wanted to stop listening, and admittedly I was on repeat (severe depression, major life changes coming and I couldn’t cope properly) - but it has the effect of drifting us pretty severely.
I resonate with this a lot. I wished I stopped talking about it with certain people sooner.
I don’t blame them, some people have enough shit they are dealing with and they simply don’t know what to say.
I do think that this is partly what therapy is useful for, talking about something you’re not done with yet
I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.
I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.
I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.
It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don’t feel the same about you and then realize you don’t even know who you are anymore.
Are you even someone without this person?
Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.
I’m sorry you don’t have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.
Please stay strong. Please keep looking.
Please find yourself again.
People tend to side with the woman in a separation. Its the side effect of a patriarchal spciety: Toxic Masculinity. Men are just expected to have no emotions and can handle everything on their own, which isn’t true at all.
I feel the same. My parents tells me I need to “stop crying because I’m not being ‘manly’ enough”. Like, bruh I have a fucking existential crisis and disagnose depression and really wanna kms right now. So I get it.
The Left hasn’t doen enough to address the issues that men are facing, which is why the alt-right pipeline is so ripe for picking off boys to their fascist agenda. But please, remember, fascists aren’t your friends, no matter what they say. Plese don’t fall for the alt-right pipeline, my friend.
I think the left just needs to recalibrate their priorities. Society issues can only be solved with true Egalitarianism that supports both Men and Women.
I fell into alt right when she started abusing me which helped destroy the relationship. I got out of that shit.
I’m glad you got out of that but I think we figured out why your friends stopped supporting you. You have reaped what you’ve sewn. Your actions had consequences.
Now that you’re free of both the relationship and the toxic mindset it would be a good time to pick up some hobbies that would encourage meeting and making new friends.
Lol in real life people dont care about politics that much
A leftist response to the alt-right pipeline starts with men. It would take a ton of emotional labor, but at-risk boys simply aren’t going to listen to women the way they will listen to men.
This brings a conundrum, as women are generally much more practiced at emotional labor than men are. They aren’t naturally better, they don’t choose to take it on, but they are conditioned to deal with it in a way that most men aren’t. That’s why women tend to have support networks that are there for them in times of difficulty, but many men don’t. Again, it’s not inherent nor a choice, but a complex result of society and circumstance.
Point is, if you’re a man and you’re waiting around for someone else to start lifting up men and boys, you’re going to be waiting a long time. As cliché as it is, you have to be the change you want to see in the world. Have some male friends you haven’t talked to in a while? Message them, ask them how they’ve been, and don’t be scared to get deep about things.
A support network starts with connecting two points, and if you don’t make the effort to build and maintain it, it’s not going to happen.
Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don’t mean the kind of crazy like “everybody has a crazy ex crazy,” I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.
Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said “this ain’t living” and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.
But here’s the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you’re the one doing the divorcing, you’re the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There’s this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that’s blameless. Nevermind if they’re abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!
But there’s a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won’t be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn’t you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.
I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.
My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.
That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you’ll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You’ll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you’ll be OK. It’ll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.
In time, you’ll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don’t have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.
Thank you man.
