I was just sitting at the mall taking a break from mall walking. A man walked over to me when I wasn’t even looking up. He said "I haven’t seen you here before. " I said I wasn’t really here to talk to people and got up and walked away. He said he would leave, he may even have said sorry. I said I was ready to leave anyway. In retrospect I think he may have just been slightly mentally challenged so I wish I had been a little softer, he did not turn out to be aggressive. Looking for suggestions on something still clear and firm but more polite? This scared me for some reason, I think how fast he walked up and sat down near me.
Editing to add a key detail, he sat down close to me which is probably what made me more nervous than I would have otherwise been. I appreciate all the thoughtful feedback I’ve gotten and interesting discussion.
You did nothing wrong.
The message was clear: women were meant to be frightened, not empowered by these stories. The power of “fuck politeness” lies in how it “locates women’s daily fears and vulnerability to violence in the context of a feminist politics about deference and men’s status and power.”
Women are socialized from a young age to prioritize others’ comfort, even at the expense of their safety. This “deference behavior” is what feminist scholars identify as one way “women acknowledge and reinforce the higher social status of men.” However, through the MFM community, women find permission to reject these dangerous social expectations.
“Before I became a part of this community and was given permission to ‘fuck politeness,’ I would have uncomfortably chatted with this guy for fear of seeming rude. From a very young age, it’s ingrained in us to be polite and never offend anyone,” wrote one listener in Reddit.
Very good excerpt! I’ll say I want to be gentle with men in these situations for my own safety as well… don’t want to be antagonistic…I agree with you though!
As a dude I feel if I wanted to just be nice to you when I sat down if next to you, I’d have said 'hey how are you?" Waited for your reply and been like “that’s nice.” And just got lost in my phone.
Mentally challenged or not “I haven’t seen you before…” just doesn’t sound casual to me as a dude. It sounds like a slick “Hey baby, you look good.” But with make up on it.
Agreed do what makes you feel safe, but that is kind of you to even consider he might not be all Mentally correct.
Oh absolutely! Gotta do what makes you feel most safe in a situation and fawning (being nice until you can get away) is a valid way to deal with them. But don’t worry about hurting their feelings either way.
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A woman approaching another woman and a man approaching a woman is different. Why are we pretending it isn’t?
I would absolutely leave if a man approached me like that while I was alone. And it’s not wrong.
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Ive been raped before. I don’t need you to tell me it’s in my fucking head.
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Telling women to stop being afraid of men and get off social media is fucked up.
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I was afraid of men long before social media existed based on personal experiences receiving unwanted and inappropriate attention and comments. Note I’m not saying ALL men but this is based on personal experience, nothing to do with social media, what a stretch.
I think any man that approaches a woman who is alone and exhibiting body language that is not open to conversation and then proceeds to sit down near her and start a conversation rudely is a problem.
It’s not just any man.
I would never approach someone who was not looking up at me unless I really had to, like they had dropped something. I can’t think of a time a woman has approached me in this way.
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Of course I have.
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Feedback unrelated to your core problem. I’ve found that when describing people it’s more appropriate/respectful to use man, woman, person or whichever way you like to describe people, save for male/female. The latter is good for speaking about subjects or patients in a more scientific/clinical/biological way, but can sound impersonal in an “othering” sense. Noones going to throw a fit over this unless you’re in a weird place online, but it does make your language softer and more personable
Good point , for some reason I don’t love the term “woman” but I am aware people use female pejoratively probably more often.
It is totally reasonable to react the way you did. You don’t owe it to other people to be comfortable around them. They should be thinking about what they can do to make you comfortable, ideally before they do it, and this guy clearly wasn’t. If it is because of some disability or something that’s totally plausible too, but that’s his problem and his cross to bear, not yours. You weren’t rude or cruel, but you were uncomfortable, and you’re allowed to be. If he is capable of learning from that, maybe he will, and I think it would be a good lesson for him to learn.
You don’t have to feel bad about it, it makes sense that you regret how the interaction turned out after the fact, but that regret comes from the additional information and processing time you had afterwards to think about it. If you want to reconsider that guy as a possibly decent fellow who deserves another chance in retrospect that’s alright, and maybe if you see him again you can extend a little more tolerance for his behavior if you think it’s safe. But it doesn’t mean you were wrong in the first place. In general, you should trust your instincts and listen to them, they’re just trying to keep you safe, and better safe than sorry. You should not have to be scared of a man sitting down next to you, but the way some men act in the world we live in, you have every right to. It’s sad, but it’s realistic, and you are not responsible for solving this problem on society’s behalf. When we’ve built a society where you can have a man sit next to you and feel safe about it, then that’ll be great. But we’re not there yet.
They should be thinking about what they can do to make you comfortable, ideally before they do it, and this guy clearly wasn’t.
I agree that OP’s reaction was reasonable but what about the guy’s actions make it so clear to you that he wasn’t thinking about OP’s comfortability? They tried to strike up a friendly conversation and backed off immediately when it wasn’t well-received.
It’s fine to not want to talk but people really shouldn’t have to avoid basic human interaction just because 1% of people might not be interested at that time.
This scared me for some reason, I think how fast he walked up and sat down near me.
Editing to add a key detail, he sat down close to me
I don’t directly know OP’s age or the man’s age in this case, but I’m giving OP the benefit of the doubt, and from context I’m inferring that the man was probably older than her given that she refers to him as a “man” and it just sounds like she’s relatively younger (especially if this is sort of one of her first experiences with this sort of thing).
The “sat down close to me” also makes it sound like there was sufficient open seating, and the man specifically chose to sit directly next to and close to this girl. I understand that public spaces often have inadequate seating options and seats that are packed too close together for comfort, and that’s a separate problem, but there’s nothing suggesting that’s what actually happened here, and as I said, I am giving OP the benefit of the doubt.
With those contextual details in place, in my world and perspective, I would suggest that the older man approaching the younger girl to talk should probably approach with some caution, not “fast”, and perhaps even ask permission before sitting and trying to strike up a conversation. I don’t think that’s unreasonable or too much to ask. I’m not saying anyone can’t strike up a conversation with anyone they choose to, of any age, but for the people that choose to do so with strangers, they would benefit from having some social awareness if the situation is anything like what I am picturing (unfortunately realistically) in my head.
Thank you for your thoughtful reply! I’ve worked in some dangerous settings and had to be a bit firmer and these suggestions have been helpful while still being clear!
‘I’m not really here to talk’ and leaving isn’t rude at all, don’t sweat it. If you had screamed at him that he was a creepy POS or something then you’d have a good reason to feel bad if he had some kind of intellectual/developmental disability, but you didn’t, and even if he does there’s a point where you have to learn you’re not a cute kid who can just walk up to people at random and start talking to them anymore (or at least not have everyone be as receptive to it).
I think people who are socially inept are often advised to strike up innocuous little throwaway conversations with strangers in public places to improve their ability to interact. Unfortunately this is also exactly the MO of killers in CSI programmes.
Unfortunately, apologizing in that way is another tactic that some men use to try to trick you into engagement.
He might have been manipulating you. Fear was the proper response.
/ am a man
// have met men who do that
/// I avoid them, too
Fascinating how I’m getting just as many upvotes as downvotes.
Keep on down-voting me! Downvotes are public - and you are outing yourself as part of the problem.
Men try to trick you into engagement?
Trick you into what? Having a conversation?
If she wasn’t comfortable nothing says she has to stay(she’s free to leave), but what was he trying to trick her into?
Meanwhile women post videos asking “why can’t I find a date? Why won’t anyone say hi”.
Wow that’s really good advice, thank you!
I don’t know what it is but recently I’m seeing a lot of content about people “approaching” strangers and people saying it’s normal and people want to be spoken to. Some weird social media trend maybe.
I know I have watched videos about this also, that people say they are not approached or feel like they can’t approach others. My thing is body language and eye contact, if I’m out walking around making eye contact and we exchange a hello and see if more occurs fine. But if someone is totally closed off looking away… take the hint. And like dear lord don’t sit down without being invited to ! Chat a minute and ask first.
Before social media this was totally normal. See someone you want to talk to? Walk up and say hi. There’s nothing odd about it
I grew up without social media and to me this is not at all normal. The only strangers who talk to you want to sell you something, or they have some mental issues.
Maybe it’s a cultural thing? Apparently America is unusually friendly compared to the rest of the world, and striking up conversations with strangers is pretty normal.
Yeah, I’ve met Americans who somehow manage to do that. As a European, it never happened to me and if I think about doing it myself it just seems creepy and weird.
That’s probably it then. I’d say it feels weirder in America if you’re completely shut off to random small talk. It varies a bit by region, and certainly by individual, but I’ve never been anywhere in America where it’s strange to strike up a conversation standing in line or waiting for a bus or something.
America is huge huge, there are several different norms across the country. The people who live in the Southern states have a wildly different approach than people who live in the Pacific Northwest, for example.
