This question might be too abstract. But it seems like people look for different aspects in romantic relationships. There are the ones that are drawn to opposite traits, ones seeking excitement, ones that wish for a stable anchor in their life, etc. And most of this happens subconsciously – or it does not. Maybe you have a different approach to love. Tell me about it.
I have had almost zero luck with love. I’ve had one relationship and it was kinda toxic. I’ve somewhat given up.
I can tell you what I would ideally like in a partner, should I luck into a relationship. I want someone with some similar interests but maybe some different interests too so maybe they’ll introduce me to something new. I want us to have similar morals and values. I want us to encourage each other in our ambitions and praise each other’s accomplishments. I want us to be thoughtful and anticipate each other’s needs. I want us to both be able to tell the other when they are wrong and hold eachother accountable. Everything I want in a partner, I want to reciprocate and do the same for them.
Honestly? Friendship plus sex/lust/physical love. I care for my husband as a friend and we enjoy each other sexually, that’s the romantic element.
There are other aspects to our marriage of course, we plan together and have a family and financial alliance, all the old stuff marriage was for, I guess. Except procreation, we each brought our own kids but now they are also each others’ family and allies. But the romantic piece to me is the part related to sex.
And I lean much more towards an opposite/complementary partner not someone like me. We are quite different but so strong together.
I guess that’s why I never understood relationships or romance. I don’t have the urge or capacity to feel sexual things, so being in a relationship goes out the window with 99% of people. And then what would I even be doing in a relationship different than a friendship? Sorry idk what I’m trying to say…just blathering as a lifelong lone wolf.
A friendship is a very valuable relationship, though. I am in nonsexual friendship with other people and those connections are so important. I do think if you are looking for intimate nonsexual relationships with women that is harder, your dating pool will be small. Unless you like sex enough to enjoy pleasing someone else, that would probably expand it some.
As to what you’d be doing, whatever you want I guess! If you can wrap your head around what you would want, maybe you will find it. At least you aren’t trying to change yourself to try to fit in, that’s good.
I have a strong belief that love is the time you spend with or thinking about someone else.
If you strive to spend time with someone and enjoy them, that is one form of love.
What’s there to say about it? Being with someone, your best friend and also your (perhaps fundamentally somewhat incomprehensible) better half completes you. Not just emotionally speaking, but also ideologically and psychologically. Passively and actively, being with someone who you know cares deeply about you and wants you around for as long as possible makes you change for the better. Sometimes, that means just learning that women and men are different, and that you two are different, and that your preferences and annoyances are not universal and then you learn that many times people have compromised to make you happy and as such, you have to do it as well. Sometimes, it means reassessing your entire worldview and coming to terms with some psychological problems you didn’t know you had but need to be addressed and treated.
Basically, romantic love is not just sweet and, to the vast majority of people, necessary for eudaimonia, but it’s also a conduit for personal growth, a development you can’t really have elsewhere, you kinda gotta share your life with someone in that capacity to make it happen.
PS: and oh yeah, on some level you kinda have to be different, mainly so you don’t have the same blind spots. Everyone is incomplete (in many ways), it’s better to be with someone who fills many gaps.
Falling in love is something that you recognise by contrast. You are excited to just spend time with that someone in a way that transcends your feelings towards others. I remember leaving work and just being so happy that I was on my way home to see my wife and family.
Her happiness is a part of my own.
And that is a choice I made.
