I’m beginning to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. There are life expectations I have for myself, some admittedly selfish, but really, the idea of having to deal with another grownup who is as obstinate as I am has left me disillusioned about relationships. But I want to have kids. I want to be a father. For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way. What is the process for dudes? I believe its going to involve a surrogate, but where does one get a donor egg and what not? I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate, just me and the kids.
I have a friend who took that road. He adopted a 13 year old from a bad situation. Said kid is now a college graduate. It seems like that is a rewarding path without as many moving parts.
As a father of two though I can tell you I have repeatedly said to my wife “I have no idea how single parents can do this.”. They do it because they don’t have a choice mostly, but you absolutely do. Make sure you’ve prepared yourself as much as possible and maybe try some extended solo kid time (2+ or better 3+ days) if you have friends with younger kids. It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy by any means.
An adult who can’t even imagine having to deal with another adult should not be having kids alone. Kids are 100x harder to deal with than adults.
Yeah OP is giving incel and should get therapy rather than a kid lol
I doubt you’d say something so repulsive about a single woman that wanted kids 🙄
I would if they framed it like this. I find all genders of incels equally repulsive though admittedly I do think life is more unjust thus my judgement is more lenient.
damn, you’re giving major incel vibes, projection much?
Interesting perspective. May I ask your age? I’m going to be 48 this month and while I have similar relationship experience, to the point that I don’t have any experience at all for the last 20 years- I feel like the last thing the world needs is someone as broken as me raising a child. I can’t be trusted to do the dishes these days.
Turning 45. I used to avoid the dishwasher like the plague, now, its the last thing I do before I go to sleep. I can’t imagine dirty dishes around me, a far cry from me and roaches not too long ago. I would ask for you to attempt fostering. It heals people. Its the best therapy you can get.
Adopt, volunteer in an orphanage, have a weekend visit, something like that. Just know it’ll be rough being a single parent.
For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way.
That’s a bit of an over simplification. There’s 40 of pregnancy and birth. Also caring for a newborn is very difficult. You may be better off trying to adopt.
Oh, I know that. It was intended as an oversimplification. I know the complications that come with it. Adoption is a possibility as well.
If you live in a state that allows single men to foster and adopt, that is one possibility.
And yes I’m sure paid surrogates can work with single guys. There are agencies for those.
Good luck to you.
Thanks. If all goes as I hope, I will be moving to California next summer which is when I intend to pursue this.
Depends a lot on where you are, but I think odds and society is stacked against you here. In theory, adoption is a possibility, but I suspect you’d face a lot more scrutiny than a single woman would in this situation.
Saw a TV show where two dudes faked being gay, got married all to help the one guy adopt a kid. I know the odds would be far against me.
There’s a whole business around surrogacy. It’s a moral and legal gray zone - in some jurisdictions you can’t eventually adopt a child alone as a man.
It’s expensive, too. You’re paying for the procedure, for the surrogates time and health care - and there are still no guarantees that you’ll end up with a child. Expect ~$100-150k if you’re willing to travel to exploit a woman in a third world country.
And a newborn/toddler is no walk in the park. Expect about two years of lost work.
Are you even in a financial position where this is feasible?
Sort of things I was hoping to hear. No, I’m not going to exploit a 3rd world person for anything. I came up in a 3rd world country, so just no. Professionally, I am doing alright, a year or two ago, I could not afford a McDonalds burger now, I’m received 5% gross from a logistics company that I did a project for and signed up for a %age of the action in lieu of me supporting them. I do about 10 hours a month for that, works out to around 8k gross and I have two other similar placed projects coming up, so that’s looking good.
Been raising kids as I mentioned in another thread, so this isn’t exactly new. Not easy, yup, I agree.
The process seems expensive and the information is murky.
Look into cloning yourself.
I don’t think you’ll find anyone willing to surrogate for you.
I’m not a comparative sort of person, but I’ve seen people with far greater personal handicaps than my own become parents, I don’t judge. Everyone has their own story.
Sure, by bringing children into this world to fulfill your own psychological needs, you are no different than any other parent.
Just putting myself in the head of someone who is willing to surrogate and betting they want to imagine their child growing up in a two-parent home.
I wanted to be a husband and a full time dad. I’ve tried step 1 and it did not go well. Does that mean I don’t qualify for step 2? Also, there are kids who wake up in a two parent home and end up in a single parent home, or in the foster system, or homeless. Doesn’t always work out as one intends, best foot forward is the next best alternate in my books.
No worries, man, I’m an anti-natalist. I don’t think anyone should be brought into this world, so you don’t need to justify anything to me.
The question is how you get society to give you a child, and I think you’ll have to compete with more traditional family units for the scarce resources of egg & womb. If you want to adopt pre-existing older kids, you’ll have less to contend against.
