Asking because I just sat through a family feud within earshot at a local coffee joint. Parents giving advice to son, who looked 30ish, all quite civil, full of the ‘can I speak for a minute’, ‘your minute is up’ and so on, with some ‘when we were your age’ and ‘you must/ will learn’ etc. Mum ended with ‘i don’t have to justify anything to you’.
My dad stopped once I got out of high school, but mum seems to chime in from time to time. I’m well into my middle age.
When should parents stop parenting and just let the kid fail/ thrive on their own? I just feel sometimes the parents are the problem, regardless of good intentions.
I’m in my mid 30s and I just texted my mom for advice on texting a stranger. I regularly ask her for advice on laundry, cooking, dishes. I still get my dad to review my resume when I apply for jobs. My parents don’t get a choice but to keep parenting.
Do they sometimes give me unsolicited advice that’s out of touch and sometimes even hurtful? Sure. Would I give up their parenting for anything else? Absolutely not.
Of course, I understand what an absolute privilege this is because not everyone has parents that are decent people.
All this to say, parent for as long as it is beneficial to your children. And if you’re a child, listen to your parents for as long as it is beneficial to you.
I think parents should always be there, as a friend, advisor, confidant, etc. my question was about the overbearing types that want to control your life. Maybe it’s about a lifestyle choice they disagree with, or a friend they don’t like, etc.
(Sorry, replied to the main post with this earlier)
Fair enough, but see my last point: if your parents version of parenting is no longer serving you and is often harming you, then you as an adult can make the decision to walk away from that.
There’s no real “age” rule here, it’s a very personal decision, and I’d say it’s more often a decision made by the child rather than the parent. Parents are gonna keep parenting for as long as they have offspring to listen to them, whether they’re good at it or not.
As a parent, our job is to prepare you to be an adult, and our involvement should gradually decrease over time.
As babies, you have no capacity for self-determination. You literally can’t decide where you are or what you do. You’re luggage that can scream.
As you get older you become capable of more, and as parents, we should be giving you more responsibility over the choices you make.
Here in the U.S., from a legal point of view, your parents are responsible for you up to the age 18. Regardless of how much freedom you’re allowed before 18, your parents are on the hook for any damages.
At 18, that changes. Now you’re legally an adult, and you are responsible for all your choices. However, your brain development is incomplete, and you haven’t developed the ability to fully comprehend the future consequences of your actions.
From 18 to about 27, you should be making your own decisions, but your parents should be available for advice or rescue when you make a mistake. The idea is for you to make mistakes, but have the support to be able to learn from them.
From there, parents should continue to step back. Advice can always be given, but it is up to the child whether to take it, and as parents we have no say in what advice children follow.
Personally, I’ll always be available to help any of my kids in any way I can. However, at this point my job is not to actually intervene until asked. I can, however, initiate the conversation when necessary.
Thanks for your well written input and perspective. I was sent away from an early age (13) for education. I went through the cycle of emotions, and while I had a guardian nearby, I gradually learned to be independent and now wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world.
After that, college and moving out seemed like a easy, natural thing to do. Now I sometimes meet people in their mid 40s who have literally no life skills to speak of, can’t manage finances or keep a home tidy, and are looking at marriage as a ‘get out of jail free’ card for the rest of their lives. I treasure my independence, but can’t understand why people would prefer to be so cloistered and coddled. No, scratch that, it’s obviously ‘so much easier’.
I’ve definitely met people who were not raised to be independent of their parents. It sadly seems to often be the rule rather than the exception.
Parents will parent until they die
A child can choose to stop listening anytime after they’re no longer financially reliant upon the parent
I‘m 30 and my parents give me unwanted advice all the time. I’m very rebellious about it since it never went away. And a lot of times when I listened to them it turned out to be bad.
They’re also constantly judging my financial decisions, despite them only having money saved due to recent inheritance.
Right? I feel the parents who don’t let go just create resentment and active rebellion against their unsolicited advice.
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You should have instilled enough simple lessons in your child that in preteen to teen years they can operate on their own with guidance. You are a parent and you will always be their parents but you change from a teacher to live in guidance counselor to an older friend who is looking out for you when you are an adult.
I find parents have trouble switching between authoritarian teacher owner to friendly helpful roommates.
Hahaha. I have both. My dad died my close friend, while mum is still my mum.
Not sure I fully understand the question. Is this about parents trying to push their adult children to live their life a certain way?
If so, I’d say children should be allowed to exercise as much self-determination as can reasonably be afforded from pretty much toddlerhood, of course taking into account the danger of physical harm or lasting trauma. (Like, let your kid be interested in art at 3 years old and allow them to pursue it seriously as they get older even if you’re a 4th-generation army brat. But don’t let them jump off your roof at 3 to see if they can fly.) It’s not so much that parents should “hold on” until a magic age is reached at which point they should “let go”. If the parents are trying to get their 30-year-old son to quit being gay, or pursue a career in law rather than performance arts, or not play video games, or whatever, they probably weren’t allowing for age-appropriate levels of self-determination when the kid was under 10 either and his raising could likely be described as an enmeshment sort of situation.
If that wasn’t the nature of the feud at all, then who knows who if anyone might have been in the wrong. Like, telling your 30-year-old son to quit stealing money from their 85-year-old grandmother is probably entirely appropriate.
I’d say when you move out, more or less, probably a bit after. So I’ll say 21 years old. Maybe 25 for many, especially if they still live at home. But once they’re out of the house they need to be more independent.
I’m 35 and I haven’t felt ‘parented’ by my own parents since about 20, but every girl I’ve ever dated has had a closer relationship with their parents than I’ve had. The only thing I can tell you is that it’s VERY common for girls in their 30’s to still be talking to their parents 4x a week. I try to call home once every 2 weeks or so, which is apparently very distant compared to most families I know of.
I’m supporting my kids financially through their college years, so, for another 10-15 years. During that time, I get a say in the way they conduct themselves. I try to instill decent values, discipline, and stoke their own independence. But they are their own people and as they grow up, what I think will matter less to them. That’s fine. That’s normal. If they turn out to be assholes, I’ll attempt to intervene. If they start believing in weird bullshit, same. If they mistake their life of privilege for a lifelong entitlement, I will pull the rug out from under them. And if they’re doing good shit in life and need a hand, I’ll be there throughout my remaining years. By the time they’re 30, I hope they have their shit together and we see each other not just as family, but as friends. Lording over your kids until they’re adults is some bullshit. It’s the reason I have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother.
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Dude americans have a weird thing about “leting children go” right after high school. I was 17yo when I finished high school, I was still a minor. Also why?! Care to love the kids YOU wanted to have wtf?! When I divorced my ex my parents asked me to come home and they wouldn’t let me go, even after a while, just becaus “it’s so good to have you home”. Lov mom
True. I’m asian and have some of the family thing, but i studied in the us, so used to be very impressed how they can up and go to cities across the country for college and work. They express family love differently, though, and are allowed to have contrary opinions to the family which is often frowned upon in Asia. Oh, and family hierarchy is also handled differently. I always got the sense that the kids would happily throw down with the dad if it came to it, whereas in Asia its more a reluctant compliance.
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