besides all that, she has an odd sense of humor but is really nice. not only this, but has been my friend since middle school, and i dated her in sixth grade. she has always been christian, but she’s practicing it more and feels like she has to “repent for her sins” and whatever.
she used to be a lesbian and then genderfluid but now she’s cishet and idk if she’ll understand what i’m going through, i also hope she didn’t decide this due to christianity.
and the gender identity and pronouns jokes feel weird to me as an enby and a lesbian 😓
will this end up actually bad for me like those superevangelicals?
To be clear, this is Lemmy where we don’t feel the effects of your decisions.
I used to make these jokes as a teenager in church and I didn’t know how offensive and misguided I was. It might be worth having a conversation with them, nobody is one demensional and incapable of change. If she reacts well with not only her words but her actions (like she takes it down or publicly apologizes or wtv) then maybe you could trust her. If she doesn’t react well then you should probably re-evaluate what this relationship is for and if bigotry is worth it. It can be hard but you can find accepting friends online and in person, you just need to put in the effort.
Tldr; it’s a personal thing about whether they’re actually willing to respect you by changing their behavior or if you’re willing to deal with it bc this relationship is important enough.
I can’t see any good that could come from it.
At the very least, cutting contact will help your mental health, but it also might teach your friend that those jokes hurt, and that her new choices have consequences.
cutting contact will help your mental health
I keep seeing this as self-help advice and it’s completely wrong in my opinion, both for a person in question and for all trans people around them. On societal level, if nobody engages one another things will just slide even worse. And on a personal level, you don’t always get to choose open-minded friends. If you just push everyone away waiting for more compatible people, you’ll be alone. Poptimism really oversells a strong individual standing alone in a world of bigots.
it also might teach your friend that those jokes hurt, and that her new choices have consequences.
A better way is to not cut the person out but explain it to them, over and over. You cut them out, the lesson they’ll probably learn is that they lost a friend to a biblical plague of gayness or something. Engaging is hard, but unless you try, you’re doing nothing.
I won’t argue with what you’re saying, because it’s not wrong, but not everyone is able to nor should become an ambassador for their “group”.
If you’re a timid person who doesn’t like confrontation, you’re probably not going to speak up every time she says something hateful, and you might find yourself laughing along with hurtful jokes when you don’t want to. Especially when it’s an old friend.
Loud, obnoxious, combative people, may seem up to the task, but are more than likely going to piss people off and create a bad association with “the group” for others.
Educating friends to become better allies is great, but, it’s also not everyone’s responsibility. There have been many people in my life, that caused me more pain than joy, and I always just tried to win them over, which only caused me more pain. Within the last few years, I started staying away from those people and it has improved my life in every way.
not everyone is able to nor should become an ambassador for their “group”.
it’s also not everyone’s responsibility
I’m not talking about moral duty or responsibility, I’m just saying the outcomes are better for the person doing the choosing if they engage with the world around them instead of shut it out.
you might find yourself laughing along with hurtful jokes when you don’t want to. Especially when it’s an old friend.
If it’s an old friend, then you especially need to make some effort, for your own sake if not theirs. People are using “nazi” and “bigot” as thought-terminating cliches, but in many cases you can have a normal conversation with the person you’d call a nazi for their online output about things not related to your or their identity or politics. You can learn woodworking from a nazi and go on to make furniture decorated with a hammer&sickle instead of a swastika. It’s an extreme example, perhaps, but in my view it’s also really extreme to peddle this extreme misanthropy as advice to people on the internet you don’t know about their friends you also don’t know. “Engage with them and try” seems to me like less of an error these days if we’re talking generalizations then “cut them off”.
I’m just saying the outcomes are better for the person doing the choosing if they engage with the world around them instead of shut it out.
To be clear, I mean removing specific people from your life, not becoming a hermit and only associating with people who are just like you.
I assure you, my outcomes were MUCH better when I removed myself from toxicity.
Your advice sounds like what I would have typed twenty years ago, when I thought I could fix people. Maybe I’ve learned better since then, or maybe I’m just old and jaded now. I do appreciate your optimism, and don’t want to change that in you.
Everybody is different. Some friends can be saved, some can’t. By sharing our own experiences, we give options for OP to consider. There is no “always best” method.
Best of luck to all of you, but also be aware that it’s really easy to catch and spread the plague, especially while trying to cure it.
It depends on who your other friends are. It doesn’t reflect well on you overall, I’d say, buy at the end of the day, having self respect means walking away when someone is this needlessly abrasive
Yes, you’re going to run inti some serious heartache. Either now or later. She sounds like she still doesn’t know who she is if she’s flitting about like that. But the problem is that she’s now being influenced by hateful people. You can try correcting her, telling her not to make those jokes or that those jokes are mean and rude. Point out that those jokes are about people in similar positions to yourself. Maybe even saying “Jesus wouldn’t say that.” or something similar. But if she responds poorly, I’d personally rather be alone than around someone with ideology dangerous to my existence. She’s not nice, she’s insensitive, and being influenced by mean spirited people that may or may not be the type to join on a public lynching.
, i also hope she didn’t decide this due to christianity.
99% likelihood that it is.
Do you dislike hearing the jokes? Do you tell her that you don’t like her being shitty towards people like you?
If you don’t like it and aren’t willing to speak up about it then she will most likely continue leaning in even harder over time due to not getting pushback and getting reinforcement from whatever led her down this path. It isn’t your job to keep her from becoming a terrible person, and if you don’t it is most likely going to get worse over time. In that case it would be better to move on so that you can have better friends.
I have never seen anyone who started open minded that leaned into bigotry turn it around due to friends they already had. They only ever turned around when they realized their bigoted friends were terrible people and regretting driving away the people who actually cared about the.
If you accept someone unilaterally, your sending the message that they matter more.
Asking strangers on the Internet that don’t know you or your friend to tell you if you should maintain a friendship is wild.
If you have issues with their beliefs then you don’t have to be friends anymore. If you still want to be friends go right ahead.
Do whatever YOU want to do. It’s your relationship.
“Should I still be friends with my ex?”
Forget the rest. She’s your ex, and for that reason alone, no. There’s a reason she’s your ex. Keeping her around just makes it harder for you to get over her.
All that other stuff is just complications on top of the fact that she’s your ex.
I don’t think 6th grade “dating” needs to follow the same rules as adult dating.
That’s bullshit, I’m good friends with several ex-partners. Might not work for some people, but definitely not a general rule.
the reason was that she wanted to stay friends after losing interest in me and she liked another girl, so idk
She’s keeping you on the hook. She also doesn’t sound very stable.
What do you gain from keeping this person around? Never mind her, what’s in this for you personally?
For me, this relationship would have run its course at this point, and I’d move on altogether.
I agree. A person can wish their ex the best, but cutting contact altogether is typically the best path. Some folks are able to make it work to keep a friendship, but those seem to be outliers.
