I think 10 year old me was the coolest! That was clearly my peak.

42 year old me now wonders why I can’t wear boxer shorts, and drain chains as a necklace, with a yin yang charm on a bracelet anymore, while drinking a capri sun.

Well thats ok. Cats don’t have stupid hangups like humans do, about things like age, skin color, they don’t even know what religion is.

We’re the ones making things stupid.

Broccoli Cheddar is just a happy lil kitty.

3. Maybe even 2. I’d have to see it in person.

No, its the other way. The duck penis is shaped like a corkscrew. But it also has a barb at the end, so when it pulls out, it rips open the female ducks genitals.

The best word to describe duck sex is…horrific. Truely the stuff of nightmares. If you’re ever in a meadow, and a giant duck penis starts chasing you? You need a gun. That would put me in therapy.

I remember one conversation when I was about eight and some older kid telling us that the number of thrusts you made when you had sex was the number of children you would have. And for the longest time I believed that.

…soooooooo, you thought the default number of thrusts that 99% of men could accomplish was…one thrust?

And twins was when the guy made two whole thrusts?

Ok, lets forget sex, forget the internet, forget all of that. I think this is just reason we need to teach all kids critical thinking skills.

My parents got mad at me, because I asked my mom if inflation affected the tooth fairy. When she asked what I was talking about, I told her my two sisters only got 50 cents when they were kids. They’re 10 and 12 years older than me.

I was getting 1 dollar. And when I was trying to figure out why they got 50 cents, but I got a dollar, I remembered my dad always bitching about inflation. It made logical sense.

If you’re willing to accept the concept of selling your teeth to an unknown fairy, but notice a discrepency in pay, but also notice a 10 year gap, with your dad saying that inflation will kill your money over 10 years…then it’s logical to assume the tooth fairy corporation was affected by inflation,and had to start paying more for teeth, or else the kids wouldn’t sell them.

Then my sister told me it was actually the gender wage gap. And so I had to go ask my dad, at age 5, if I’m more valueable than my sisters, just because I have a penis. His response was “Yeah. Obviously.”

Mom was not happy with that reaction. You’ll not be surprised to know my mom eventually left my dad. I’m not saying it was over this incident, but this incident kind of helps paint a picture to help you understand why my mom didn’t want to be with my dad anymore.

So then I got put in catholic school, and without knowing what sex was, began to ask the church if Mary had baby Jesus, through God, so God is the father, why wasn’t Peter pissed that his wife was having a baby with another man? My friends parents split up, because she had a baby from another man. Logically I thought Peter should have been pissed, but he wasn’t. So I asked why.

I got told to go to the principals office for being disrespectful.

I feel like you just said the same thing I did, but with more specifics.

I’m not speaking from knowing any insider info. I’m purely speculating when I say this, yet I’m 100% certain I’m right.

I bet it was easy to do that after decades, if not centuries of corrupt officials in NYC politics hiding corrupt money EVERYWHERE!!!

He probably just came in, and said something like “Wait, why is our water plant being funded for 400k, but this random child day care is being funded for 12 million dollars???”

He probably just came in, cut the obvious corruption, and then suddenly the budget had the funds to do the things it was meant to do.

Orange cat: I am content, and happy, and I know nothing of politics, or how the humans are destroying the world for green paper.

Black cat: I know everything, and vow to enact a scorched earth policy. Your whole species is dead, once my orange cat partner falls asleep. You hear me, human? Dead.

Found the pro wrestling fan who’s permanently stuck in 2002.

Well, you know the phrase. Once you go black, you go deaf.

Take into account how stupid the median person is, then realize half the people is stupider than that.

As he tries to channel the spirit of George Carlin…

I want to pet this cat.

This cat just seems like a handfull just from these pictures.

The preview pic makes it look like a picture of a small dog. Thenyou enlarge, and it’s actually cookies.

Well…I enlarged to see a picture of a dog! I am disappointment!

Funny? Funny how? Like I’m a clown? Do I amuse you?

In the early 2000s I had a cat named Karmalee. She got out of the apartment. So I’m roaming the streets calling out “KARMALEE!!!.. KARMALEE!!!..”

And a police officer was driving by. He pulled up and asked “…are you looking for a dog?” And I said “No, a cat.” And he said “Oh…” and drove off.

To this day I don’t know what to make of that exchange. Like him finding out its a cat just ended the conversation instantly. But he did see/hear me, and before talking to me already could assess that I was looking for a lost pet.

It makes me wonder what he would have instinctually thought if he saw me, a fat guy, walking the streets at 2am as bars are letting out, and I’m just wondering the streets yelling “BROCCOLI CHEDDAR!!!.. BROCCOLI CHEEEEEEDDAAAAARRRRRR!!!”

WOOOOOO!!!

Plot twist, he was watching auntie femdom porn, where the aunt punishes her nephew. This is his kink.

Well, it IS a joke. They’re a joke.

Just not the funny kind.

Cat: Count your blessings human. I am ALLOWING you to place these cookies on my paws for your little photo oppertunity. Make no mistake though, I am the one in control here. Now and forever. I am a cat! Hear me roar!

Meow.

Human: Perfect! Now to upload this to all my social media! I am going to get so many internet points!