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The wife always goes, “If any of us did something like X would you be that hard on us? What would you say to us?.. So why would you treat yourself like that?”
I hear this a lot. I know you’re just answering the OP, but I just wanted to say I have a hard time with this. The point is that it’s me and that I know better than to do X. So what then?
Well I think the idea is that many of us hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do others we care about. So it follows that if you give them grace, forgiveness, tolerance — why can’t you give such grace, forgiveness, tolerance to yourself whom you should also care about?Seeking to improve and be better is great, but we aren’t perfect little robots. At the end of the day — despite maybe knowing better — you still did X, so move past the self-bashing and think constructively how to improve going forward.
I’ll further note that we like to think of ourselves as this singular consciousness with a driver at the head, but let’s be honest… There are a whole host of competing voices in our heads with some sizable control of our faculties from different regions ranging from the Limbic system to the ACC — leaving aside the gut-brain axis that can pretty easily hijack your perception and priorities. For me it has been helpful as of recently to think of my state of mind as a collection of these voices with differing priorities. Thus changing my environment can keep the varying cabinet members content; that’s what you can do as the CEO in the prefrontal cortex.
Well, when people wrong me in very significant ways, I actually don’t forgive and tolerate them. Especially when said people repeat the harmful behaviors to others over and over again, often without remorse. In that regard, I’m not necessarily being a ton different in the way I view myself. One of the problems is that I continue to do X even when I try not to.
Idk if any of that made sense.
Yeah it’s tough to say and you know your situation better than I do. Usually the people who wrong that severely are not people I cared for all that much to begin with; and yes, in those situations when someone you once cared for wrongs you deeply… The path to forgiveness can be tough if not possible. Been there under both circumstances.
I think I’m giving more broad generalized advice as to the fact that if you love and care about yourself then you should afford yourself some leeway within the context of being an imperfect human and not a perfect robot. If you continue to do X even when you try not to, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should hate yourself more or beat yourself up more — after all, how is that going to help but invoke a bad feedback loop? Look at it as a game and try to find a different way to approach the quest, perhaps?
In what way are you mean to yourself?
Do something today that your future self will appreciate. What would you do to a friend to be kind? Do that for yourself in the future.
If you wouldn’t let anyone say it about your friend, don’t say it about yourself. Don’t even think it about yourself.
Get confident, stupid
Learn about the fundamental attribution bias, and make sure you compensate for it, including when thinking about yourself.
Sleep more. Bathe less. Think of your future self not damning you for over-doing physical stuff. Eat a little more of that sweet crap you’re not supposed to. Smile at judgers, not a word, it drives them bats. Avoid credit. Enjoy all those little critters more. Take a longer look at Zen.
I separated myself from my brains “mean voice”. Because they’re not normal thoughts id have about other people, but separating them out I was able to address it differently and notice that “Her” presence is a sign something else might be going on in that moment. At first I was pretty brutal with her back, but over the years I got gentler with her and came to respect that she’s trying to protect me from something (no matter how misguided). I think the real healing came from that moment I was kind and gentle with Her when She’d say the stuff she’d say, but it started with me separating herself out so I could examine it as something distinct from my Self.
Adopt the voice of your mother as a replacement for your inner voice (if she wasn’t bitch, of course). Let it be as kind and forgiving as a mother towards a small child.
masturbate
watch my little pony
eat chocolate
I only ever do the first as a sleep aid to be honest lmao. The others, not so much. Unless it’s white chocolate. I’m a chocolate nazi 🤣
It’s not an ideal situation, but somebody who you want to be kinder to themselves can motivate you to set an example.
