Too, turtledoves

What costs 89 cents?

But it has that adorable heart-shaped nose… cavity…

Joke’s on me, I’m wrong half the time

“Oh, don’t worry, these are actually the Meta Glasses Freedom©®™. They’re actually pretty innovative! I can go off-grid while still feeling so connected to all my feeds! Instead of recording to the cloud, I can use my new Freedoms©®™ to record moments directly to my brain using the new Facebook BAM technology. Yup, these babies don’t have a single semiconductor, but Zuck still managed to somehow run Brain Access Memory on them! The best part is how cheap they are! Nearly half the price, and you get a 10% discount on their AI subscription since these glasses don’t actually transfer any data. But that subscription lets the Meta Glasses Freedom©®™ assist me with directly accessing memories whether the glasses were present or not! It’s a pretty sweet deal, if you really think about it.”

Next headline: Michigan school-age children drop to 10-year low

He’s definitely earning money for nothing

Look, I’m not saying that I support these Big Brother-type companies, but if the cop is just gonna follow the instructions on their computer and not even think for themselves, then we should cut out the middleman. Flock should send tickets directly to offenders. You’re far less likely to get shot that way.

<s>
What recourse could an AI company possibly have over someone? Negative social credits.
Run a stop sign? Social credit goes down. Rob a Walmart? Social credit goes down. Murder someone? Social credit goes down, but more. Safely follow all road laws? Fuck you, this counter only goes down. Have low social credit? Believe it or not, social credit goes down.

How do we use these social credits to keep society in line? Public registry. Look up why anyone has their social credit score. Filter by thefts at Walmart and buy those people beers.
</s>

But seriously. If the Justice system is willing to automate and outsource police work, then get those fucking cops off the streets.

Poop.

~Don’t tell my mom~

I TOLD YOU TO SPIT IN MY MOUTH, NOT MY BIG MAC!

Sooooo… Abortion is cool, right? Either they’re humans and not entitled to the necessities to live, or they’re not humans and can have separate constitutional rights.

Or maybe there’s a third option here? Is there something special about people from Jackson, Mississippi that would preclude them from enjoying constitutional/human rights?

A lil’ hotdog for your eyeball

Yeah, but Hoover named someone else’s dam project after himself. He should be way higher on Trump’s list.

That’s generally how it starts

Something something laptop penis pics entered into official record

There’s gotta be a compromise for how deep I can stick my unwashed poop-covered fingers in your bag of sugar. Do I not use the bidet and wipe too hard? Do I like exploring each turd in the toilet, or guessing how many pieces of corn are in each one while they’re coming out? That’s none of your business! Your only job is to decide how to tolerate my poopie fingers churning in your sugar.

Gorilla Gorilla Allin?

Maybe we can get our hands on some of those Volvo lidar modules to combat all these cameras around us? “Your assumed right to record me doesn’t overrule my right to make high resolution 3D scans of everywhere I go.”

As a panel of expert witnesses, bring in more 8-year-olds to demonstrate how to play Roblox. Add a mandatory checkbox that includes an attestation stating that the company is criminally liable and a requirement that these children must kick the entire C-suite to death.

Let’s see how binding check boxes still are, and to what degree minors are expected to process and follow their commitments.

God, I hope this isn’t offensive, but my first thought was, “Quantum queerness is a state of flux that is influenced by the observer.”