Thanks to Trump, America doesn’t make any cents.

Not true. If the times were shorter you would still be able to pick up liquids.

They were racist remarks. Not inappropriate remarks.

Is that Santa giving head to an elf? Nice.

Granted. All houses are now 18sq ft and only available in cities where all jobs require you to clock in at 5AM and clock out at midnight.

Accepted. I for one welcome our new reptiloid overlords.

Donald Trump bumps his head and wakes up as an objective and rational person willing and capable of acting for the good of his country and the world instead of his own unintelligent, narcissistic ways.

When I was 8 my mother brought me and my siblings to her boyfriend’s on Christmas Eve and they went out for drinks and left us with a 13 year old baby sitter. They dropped us in the driveway without bothering to let us in and his house was locked. It was snowing and we were scared. They didn’t come back until after midnight. She was drunk and blamed him and piled us into the car and took off and crashed into a snowbank. I had to go up to a stranger’s house early on Christmas morning and wake them up for help, which is probably why I am so awkward in social situations now.

Women always will be habitually underestimated.

Technically made with high fructose corn syrup. I’ll allow it.

It’s almost like you shouldn’t trust the judgement of people who believe inter-dimensional space wizards are real

Cordless stick vacuum. Roomba’s don’t do as well with ash because of the spinning brush.

Guy gets hit by truck, electrocutes himself, gets stabbed, poisoned, frozen, hanged, set on fire, and explodes in a car crash before living happily ever after.