We met on the dating app, and our 1st two dates were amazing. He even said he’s impressed by how naturally we clicked and conversation flows. I felt this magnetic pull and wondered if it might be what I hear about when it comes to the real thing. It felt different, and I was so excited for our potential future together. I’m very attracted and couldn’t stop thinking about him. I felt seen and heard.
For context, I’ve had a rigorous career-focused few years, and vacations were overdue. I really needed to take more time to myself for my overall well-being and health before my next role starts, so I recently booked two trips: a long one with family and then a short solo one with two weeks at home in between. During those weeks, I met up with this guy in person after we messaged back and forth for about a week leading up to my long trip a couple months ago.
Our chemistry and banter is great, and I thought we had a strong connection, but I feel like I’m being faulted for things I didn’t technically do wrong and it seems to be a pattern. He followed up prematurely during my long trip after I made sure to give a heads-up that I would be unplugging (I replied as soon as I could and didn’t apologize for the delay or think of him as crossing my boundary at the time, just glad he followed up and showed interest). Then he arrived 15 minutes early to our 2nd date and I was apologetic saying I may arrive 5 minutes after the reservation time due to traffic after an important professional meeting but I’ll be there ASAP; I ultimately arrived right on time but he later half-jokingly said that I arrived late, to which I half-jokingly said I was on time per the original plan. He also complained about parts of the venue (I initiated/planned this date). He did hold my hand and kiss me but it was all tongue which threw me off (I thought maybe that’s just him wanting to be warm so I didn’t flag it right away). I was relieved he didn’t try to be physical on our first date as I’m tired of guys trying to get me to be casual with them. We briefly mentioned our intentions, and he said he wouldn’t continue with someone if he didn’t see the long-term potential.
Our date wrapped up with me saying I was going to unplug during my upcoming solo trip but I would text him as soon as I was back and he said “we can plan something”. That same night, he did initiate the goodnight text and liked my first text but ignored the second one saying enjoy the event he asked me to attend with him but I said early on I may be traveling during that time which turned out to be true. I tried not to read into it because it’s still early in our interactions and maybe he went with another girl or felt a bit bruised that I couldn’t drop everything - even though it’s just that I meant what I said.
As promised, I warmly texted him as soon as I could after my trip before realizing he had unmatched me. I was shocked to see that. My phone got water damage while traveling but I highly doubt that erased only him from my app. I’m also unsure if I possibly missed a text from him in the few days between losing my phone and getting a new one, but most likely not. Either way, his tone is colder now and he said we “could possibly” plan something once he’s done packing for his upcoming move, but it doesn’t sound reassuring and he literally said “will do” aka it fizzles out and he’s hoping we don’t need to have the clarification talk.
Please help me out, friends! I would really appreciate any help or advice. What exactly made him change his mind? What should I do or say to him? Did I do anything wrong? I don’t want to be made to feel guilty/ashamed of the time I needed to take off, and I thought it was the right thing to start the conversations earlier versus wait. Should I ask for a call if he doesn’t follow up for a 3rd date? Should I keep trying with him even if I have to “chase” a bit since my schedule has been a bit unpredictable and abnormal?
deleted by creator
you have a history of making posts about relationship advice. this is kind of a red flag to me that you’re likely an LLM bot.
in the event that you aren’t. you should probably date at your pace and be more honest with your prospective dates.
tell them what you want, and expect them to be the same. you will endure hardship, of that I’m sure, but eventually you will find someone who can appreciate you.
I’m not a bot. Can you please elaborate on dating at my pace and being more honest with my prospective dates? Is it bad that I’m letting the kiss happen early on during our second date, or is that not the issue? I feel awkward declining but I know it’s important to stick to boundaries. I would definitely say no if they wanted to do more than that, unless it was later on, and I have communicated that before without issue.
I don’t think you’ll know for sure unless you ask, and even then there’s no guarantee you’ll get a real answer.
People are all unique. Just read these responses here. There are people making contradictory claims because each one is focusing on different parts of the story from different perspectives. That’s not an indictment on their judgement it’s an illustration of the reality you’re facing.
The truth is none of us know what you did or didn’t do wrong, or if there even was such a thing. We don’t have enough information and I don’t think you could provide all the necessary information even if you wanted to. Social interactions are just too complex to be accurately deconstructed in a few paragraphs.
In the end, just think about what you want and take a step in that direction. If you want to see this guy again, say that to him. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that as long as you’re willing to accept that it might not turn out the way you want.
Your description doesn’t make it sound like these were great dates.
Thank you for commenting. Would you mind elaborating? Is it because his blaming me for perceived tardiness and complaints weren’t worth the meaningful conversations and physical moments we shared? We talked about deep topics on our first date just standing side by side looking at a really nice view. I’ve never gotten that personal with someone and we discovered all these coincidences of things we have in common but also areas where we’re different and tease each other in good fun. If that’s not it, what is? It felt like if this isn’t it I don’t want it, which makes this that much more disappointing and disorienting.
I agree I don’t think this is a good budding relationship or good communication. Mostly because of how insecure and worried you seem. It’s not wrong or bad to be insecure sometimes, or be a person who worries, but you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing something wrong and simultaneously unable to ask the person about it.
If you already feel like you’re on thin ice, messing up, and don’t have clear and comfortable enough communication to talk openly about it, I think it’s a bad sign. If you want to give it one last chance, you should ask how he feels things are going or if he is having some reservations about continuing to date. If he is honest, reassuring, or solutions-focused, that is a good sign. If he just complains or makes you feel like you’re not living up to some expectation, I think you should bail. And either way I think you should sit down and introspect a bit about what you want out of a relationship, how you want to feel, and the type of communication and rapport you want to have. Keep that in your mind when you meet people and try not to get wrapped up in all the possibilities and caveats. I have been prone to do that as well… are you familiar with limerence?
The complaining and bad kissing. It is nice to connect with someone on a mental level like that but you didn’t write about any sort of physical chemistry (I would be out of there was none). And your initial post focused on the complaining, it sounds like that impressed you. Did you complain he was early or complain about where he took you?
Don’t worry, please. There are other guys who will fit you.
He’s moving on. Maybe he didn’t trust you and thought that you were dating others during that time. It doesn’t really matter. He might come back if things fizzle out. You should move on and keep dating too. If you end up being each other’s priority in the long term, cool. Otherwise, just keep on moving. You barely know each other. Sorry it didn’t work out. Hope you enjoyed your solo time!
I did, thank you! I appreciate it. This is exhausting. I don’t understand why so many guys are just out to take advantage or bounce without even so much as a text. I can take it and would rather he be clear than give me breadcrumbs.
Yeah dating is rough especially when you’re busy. Some people don’t feel comfortable telling somebody they’re not interested anymore, or they’re dating somebody else and don’t want to completely end it with you. If you can start dating multiple people, as exhausting as that is, you’ll feel much less concerned if/when this happens again.
At the end of the day, any number of reasons why he’s acting the way he is. I hope you find somebody who is so into you, takes things slow and isn’t dating around while dating you.
This helps a lot, thank you so much! I hope I can find closure from within instead of having to ask them even while I’m trying this dating multiple people approach for the first time
Sweet guy tactic but it was taking too long and he moved on. The kind of guy who would lie to your face without breaking a sweat. Nothing important was lost.
This worries me because he is exactly the sweet nice guy type all smiley in person but I’m losing confidence in how transparent he can be even if it isn’t the most comfortable feeling
