Jack Riddle

Ideally they hit them at the same time so there is no time to plan anything

The way it is phrased makes me very certain that this is not written by a person.

And the second most likely something like “parasites”

???

Looking at the content of the message and the name of the source, I thought this had to be satire. But the site seems to be an actual news site, and other news sites corroborate the story. Which brings me to the question I wanted to ask:

What the fuck‽

I lost the game. Now prepare to die.